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Schell

July 1997

Truly, Madly, Deeply

"I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish,
I'll be your fantasy, I'll be your hope,
I'll be your love, be everything that you need,
I'll love you more with every breath truly, madly , deeply do........"
- Savage Garden

This is gonna be divvied up into a few sections as I attempt to put the past month into a few itty, bitty words. But first for all you people who look for substance in an article....

June 9 is marking a significant time in a certain person's life. On this day a year ago, he came under the realization that things went all horribly wrong. As a last attempt, he wrote a favorite lyric passage from an Oasis song and mailed it off to his best friend. He then proceeded to drink two 26 oz. of Jack Daniel's and anything else liquid he could swallow with a mix of sleeping pills. He was in pain, he felt the world was caving in on him. If it wasn't for a best friend who stayed on the phone with him, pleading with him not to do it, that person would not be here today. He should have died. He didn't have to.

One year to the day, I was able to take in my best friend's graduation. As he walked up to the podium, I felt a great sense of joy and pride as I found this to be one of the biggest things I've ever witnessed. A year ago, I would not have cared, I would have stayed in my misery and let myself die. I felt that no one in this world cared about me, how horribly wrong I was. What kept me going was his pleading, and my realization of the mistake I made. His graduation was one of the most important memories I could have witnessed, and I'm glad I stuck around for it.

Unlike a lot of youths though, some stories don't have a happy ending.

There are many things that can lead someone to a final solution. And when it comes to one's sexuality, this comes as no exception. A lot of people, especially youths commit suicide or attempt it because they cannot accept who they are. I find this very disheartening, seeing that two of my close friends have both committed suicide in the past month, and one has attempted. I will never know the reasons why the two did it, but their memories will always stick with me. I know that suicide is not the answer to life's short term, temporary problems. And if you don't or have the feeling that you might, my best suggestion is to TALK TO SOMEONE. Before it's too late.

Okay serious side over.. I guess I should begin this month's rant and rave(!). Well, to start things off, my life has been running a bit like a Savage Garden CD. Why? Cause they're much better than Backstreet Boys (DUH!!) and well, as the soap opera between me and HIM continued, that's all I could think of. "Oooh I want you, I don't know if I need you but, Oooh I'm dying to find out....." raced through my head as I continued to think of him, and continued to drive me nuts. Every song on the self titled debut was a clear reminder of what I wanted, and didn't have. Well finally, after many unsuccessful attempts, I ran into him, and well almost ran into his boyfriend as well. I was very crushed at first, but as time went on, I got over him and now, he and I are friends. I think this is great seeing that it could have turned out much messier than it did. Even though now I am over HIM, there is still a spot in my heart for him, and always will be. Why? Because he was my first crush and always will be.

So now the song is "To The Moon & Back," once again in a more subtle search for the one. That may happen, seeing that here at the huge rave (Mirage) during the end of May, I ended up meeting someone by default. And as we spend more time together, we begin to have deeper conversation and both of us get closer, and get along really well. Keep your fingers crossed.

On another note, I have discovered IRC and so far the people I have met through here have been really interesting. It just amazes me the things we talk about!! Anyhow through this wonderful service, I have been able to connect to a good friend on gaycolorado as well as venture around the world in search of new friends. Closer to home, gaysask has been a real big help for me; helping me meet new people within my own backyard.

So I now come to a gripe, and am asking the people of Oasis to answer or give me their thoughts on this issue. Why is it that bisexuals are slapped with the stereotype that we must be dating both sexes at the same time? I have been brushed off by a few men, explaining that I could leave them for another woman (?!) I find this dually frustrating, as in my case, I find that coming out can mean the kiss of death sometimes. I personally do not date one sex and have someone from the other sex as a side dish. I hate to break this to those gay people who think we're worse than the devil himself, but some of us do believe in having, and sticking with one partner. If I am dating a guy, I have no plans to leave them for anyone else. Okay, gripe over.

Well for those who missed Metallica on their jaunt across North America, you missed one excellent show!! And as for Mirage, this was one of the best raves I have ever been to. So now I turn 20 on June 24, and my best friend is coming up for the Bush concert the same day. The month ahead has a lot of question marks encompassed by confusion, but hey, it's what you make of it that counts. Later folks.


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