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AJ

September 1997

Hi, I'm AJ (Big surprise considering the header). This being my debut column, I'm going to deal first with who I am, and then go from there. I guess I'll start in this way...imagine yourself browsing through the classified section of the newspaper, and you run into this:

Handsome 18/m Houston, TX. 5'8" 135lbs Brn/blk. Interested in Alternative/Rock music, people, and a great intellectual experience. Interested primarily in a friendship, with the possibility of more. Gender irrelevant.

The exception, of course, would be that this is the truth, and most classified ads are gross exaggerations, or, at worst, outright lies. I have also recently come to terms with the fact that I am bisexual. Another enormous surprise given the purpose of this webzine, huh?

I had a truly hard time coming to this conclusion, and I suffered a great deal because of it. To tell you the truth, I still don't know why. I was (and am) a very accepting person, and I had no problem whatsoever with homosexuality or anything else in other people. For some reason, however, I could not accept the fact that I fit into this classification.

During my sophomore year, things came to a turbulent boil, and one night I sat with a suicide note typed into the computer, and the blades I had pried out of my razor. Well, I didn't do it. I am not a quitter, and suicide seemed too much like an easy out. Part of it was also that I didn't want my parents to suffer ... and, yeah, I was scared too.

I did something totally unhealthy in order to keep my sanity, I repressed my sexuality ... told myself that I was straight, and refused to even think about people of my own gender. This whole thing ruined my personality, and really made me a very unpleasant person to be around...hell, I was fighting myself every minute I was awake! Grades suffered, social life sucked, yadda yadda yadda.

I'm in a much healthier state of mind now. As a result of a combination of a homosexual encounter, serious thought, and a real devoted effort towards being honest with myself; I finally concluded that I was bisexual, and there was absolutely nothing I could do to change that. I bit the bullet and accepted myself. Of course this truly does not bode well for my coming out to my parents, after all this self-acceptance occurred June of this year! Now I want to go to personal ideology...

TRUTH

My vision of God, is a being of pure Truth. Yeah, I know that the traditional model is a God of pure Love, but I don't see Love and Truth as separate ideals, I see them as unified ... I mean Cold Facts are not Truth, anymore than untrue love is Love. Truth is a combination of facts and understanding. Love must be True, or it is meaningless. So, saying that my vision of a God of pure Truth requires that God be loving, because He must be understanding to attain Truth.

In keeping with my ideals, I avoid lying. I'd say I don't lie, but I know that there have been occasions where I have, but I avoid it. My sexual orientation could cause a serious dilemma for somebody trying to keep to this ideal. After all, if somebody asks if I am bi, I would feel obliged to say "Yes." I don't know what I would answer if somebody asked that, I think I'd probably say yes ... I hope I would.

This is how I manage. First, I don't have to pretend when I check out/gawk/comment on girls ... after all, I really do think that they are gorgeous and attractive. I don't draw attention to myself when I look at a guy. I act like myself (I am not straight acting, I act like me. Yes, that is similar to the way straight people act. But, they are just acting like me!). I can honestly answer "No" if somebody asks if I am gay; after all, I'm not gay...I'm bi. People generally assume straighthood, so nobody asks you if you are straight, and if you don't have to answer a question...there is no need to lie!

I know what you are probably thinking: "AJ, if you are SO incredibly obsessed with the 'Truth', why are you still closeted?!" The reason I haven't told my parents or friends (I have told one girl, and she took it quite well) is because I don't think it would help bring understanding. I don't think that them knowing the cold hard fact that AJ likes guys, is going to help them (or me) reach Truth. I mean, I think it would cause more confusion and misunderstanding than help them understand me. Yeah, I know it sounds like a lame excuse, but there is also some good old fashioned human cowardice involved. I am honestly beginning to get the feeling that my mother has some inkling, but she hasn't said anything. Ideally, they would accept me without question, but I know for a fact that my father would throw all types of fits (and probably not pay the heavy UofC fees either).

What's going on today...

I am really confused about this gaydar that I've got. I can usually spot other gay people. I mean, just passing by people I can often tell if a person is gay. I have no idea what I see or why one person gets gaydared rather than another. This is what gets me though. My family went out to eat at a restaurant while we were in Dallas. Later that evening at the hotel room, my mother says, "I'm very proud of you for not saying anything tonight." I'm like : "What?" She continues: "You mean you didn't notice that waiter flirting with you all through dinner!" He was MY age, extremely cute, and gaydar FAILED...no warning, NOTHING! I could have gotten his number or something. Of course I didn't say anything except: "Oh, okay, whatever." Well, I think that that is enough for now, I hope to hear from you (and I promise to answer all e-mail), I can be reached at <soulseer@hotmail.com>.


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