It's nothing but a feeling that I never forget
I was sitting in my porch in the dusk light the other evening, and I watched two friends ride by on their bikes.
"So do you like April?"
"Do you like Brittany?"
With a smile, "So is it Katy?"
I didn't hear the answer as the bikes turned past the house on the corner.
Ah, were it so simple...
I've spent a lot of time this month thinking about the religious implications of me being gay. Yes, that means I'm going to talk about religion in this column so don't automatically tune out. Give it a read.
The hardest part about accepting myself as gay has to do with my desire to maintain my relationship with God. How can a gay guy be a Christian? I've done some Biblical research, and come up with some very encouraging things. Below is sort of a Biblical "defense" or explanation of myself as a homosexual. Unfortunately, it doesn't have any answers as to gay sex, but it's been helpful to me in terms of accepting myself, and who knows, maybe it will help someone else. I'd appreciate feedback on this, or ideas on things I might not have thought of.
My "defense" is basically a series of Bible verses that reassure me that God created me the way I am, that He loves me, and that He has plans for me.
GOD CREATED ME THE WAY I AM: "Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him." (1 Corinthians 7:17)
"For no one can lay any foundation, other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ." (1 Corinthians 3:11).
Referring to the body of Christ: "But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be." (1 Corinthians 12:18)
All of Psalm 139, but specifically:
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." (Psalm 139:13-16)
GOD LOVES ME AND HAS PLANS FOR ME: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." (Philippians 4:6)
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." (1 Corinthians 10:13)
"Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the worst." (1 Timothy 1:15)
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, and who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28).
"And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." (Romans 5:2-5)
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2-4)
Thus, I am a gay man who was created by God. I am full of sin, and will fail to live up to His perfection many times. He has placed many challenges in my life, and for some reason he decided to make me something that most of our earthly world rejects. I will often fail to understand his reasoning; I will misread His will. But I will do everything in my power to serve Him and seek out his plan for me. And He will always take me back when I fall down.
If that last statement sounds a little cocky well, I guess it is. It's a sign that I'm placing a lot of confidence in God, which is a step in the direction of someday developing the courage to come out. Of course, who knows, by next month I could be back where I started. Especially if stuff like this keeps happening; I saw my ex-girlfriend last weekend, for the first time in a long time. She had a new boyfriend with her, and was very happy, happier than I'd seen her since we broke up. She was displaying all the qualities about her that I really do like (the reasons I initially asked her out). I came away thinking: that could be me if I wasn't a FAGGOT. A little burst of jealousy and self-hatred to keep me down.
Oh well. In the words of a song I like: "We are all flowers, growing in God's garden that is why he spreads the shit around." And no, we don't sing that particular song in church.
Thank you to those who are regularly writing me, it is very helpful to me. I'm sorry to take so long to reply sometimes it's going to get worse soon; I'm getting a new roommate who will be around more often (and who is very homophobic), so I'll have to be careful.
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