Doug S.

September 1997

Friday, August 8, 1997.

The summer began so wonderfully. What happened? Je ne sais pas. I guess I'm just down as a result from last night.

Last night was 'coffeehouse' at HALO. I went with a friend, who I will call Hortense. We arrived, and sat down and talked. Later in the evening, my ex-boyfriend [who I will call Sigh] shows up with a guy from my school. That was kind of awkward, because I kind of know the guy. I didn't talk to him though. Sigh went around, talked to everyone. He came over to Hortense, and started talking to her. I'm sitting RIGHT beside Hortense, and he doesn't say a word to me. It's like "Look at me! Pay attention to me! Acknowledge my presence!" After a brief conversation with Hortense, Sigh left. Isn't he a wonderful person? [EXTREME sarcasm] He's the one I hideously glorified in August's issue and made myself look absolutely foolish. So that in and of itself was not pleasing. But there's more. Oh yes, there's always more.

I mentioned a friend in one article, who I will refer to as Mmm-mmgood. Mmm-mmgood arrived at coffeehouse. I'd invited him a few times before, but he never came. I hadn't talked to him for a month, since we rendez-vous'd at his place. Not talking to him had me really upset. I called him, emailed him, and searched for him on IRC, and I still couldn't get a hold of him. So now there he was. I kind of freaked. I wasn't sure what to do. I just knew I REALLY wanted to talk to him, to ask if he was avoiding me. He sat down at a nearby table [I was sitting at the bar with Hortense] I asked Hortense what I should do about Mmm- mmgood. She told me I should talk to him. I didn't want to approach him with a bunch of people around. Still later into the evening, Mmm-mmgood came to the bar and sat across from me, and down a bit, talking with a couple people. I still didn't have the nerve to approach him. I kept getting drinks, hoping he'd see me and come talk to me. That didn't work. Just as Mmm-mmgood was leaving that night, I ran up to talk. He's like "Oh, I didn't know you were here" I was thinking "Yeah, what fucking ever" But I asked him if he was avoiding me. He said no, and that he's just been really busy lately. Once again, I was thinking "Yeah, what fucking ever" Then he had to go, as his ride was leaving, I told him to call me when he wasn't so busy. I'm hoping he will, but I'm kind of doubtful.

So I didn't go to PAYSO tonight [I didn't want to see Sigh], neither did Hortense [she just broke up with her girlfriend]. Instead, she's coming over here and we're ordering pizza and watching 'Spy Hard' I need a good laugh. I've had all kinds of advice from friends, "Get away from these little boys", "Try a girl", "You're only 15, wait a bit" There's nothing more I detest hearing than "You're only 15" I'll be 16 on October 13th. HA! I have also been told, indirectly that I'm immature twice now. And it's really getting on my nerves. I keep hearing "All 15 and 16-year-olds are immature" and I'm going to go postal soon.

It seems that nice guys are few and far between. It's as if each community has one representative nice guy, and that's all. I'm London's nice guy of course. I mean, I go on IRC, and I've got a ton of friends there who are so great. Of course, they're scattered across North America. It's not fair, I tell you. One friend from Manitoba told me "If you're as cute as you are nice, I'm moving to London" Woohoo! hehe.. I truly hate the non-existence of multiple nice guys in a community. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, London's a fairly large city. Where are all the nice guys?! The thing I wonder, is that I got involved in the London gay youth scene via meeting someone on IRC. And that's how I found coffeehouse and PAYSO.

I would have never found any of this own my own, since I'm still 'in the closet' with my family and at school and so on. But what about other closeted gay teens, who are without Internet access? Without our account, I would've never found any gay friends or coffeehouse or PAYSO or anything. I would be more miserable than I am now! So I wonder what Internet-less, closeted gay teens are doing. I'd like to help them. There's rumor of information being sent to the schools. But I can just see most people laughing and throwing it away. Even people who would be interested would discard it, out of fear of being found out. Hmm.. it's kind of a bad situation. It's like I just want to help people really. I've talked to guys on IRC all around SW Ontario, who are closeted, but really want to meet people, and I've said "Hey, come to London on a Thursday night, I'll introduce you to a bunch of people".

I'm continuing this, and it's now the 14th...

I just got home from coffeehouse [again], and realized, hey, I have no main focus this month, no focus at all. How horrible. Writer's block. And it's due tomorrow. I really don't know what to do. Arrgh. Tonight at coffeehouse, we watched Romeo and Juliet. It was a cool movie. It was kind of funny how in sometimes some characters had accents, then a bit later, the same character would be without an accent. I went with Hortense once again. And I met a guy from IRC which was cool. And got invited to a party on Saturday night. So that'll be fun, maybe. Ever since I came out, at least to myself, and started going to HALO and PAYSO, my social life has just took off, really. I've met so many new people, and made so many new friends. One of the best things that have happened to me so far, really. I can't stress that enough.

It's Friday night, and once again, I'm continuing. I just got home from PAYSO. It was OK, didn't go as well as I'd hoped. There's this guy from my school there, he seems really nice, and he's very attractive as well. I really wanted to talk to him and get to know him better, but I just didn't know what to say really. We talked a bit. But I still don't have his phone number. Oh, and it's kind of funny, I've seen him at school before, when I didn't know him, I though, "He's cute, but what are the chances of him being gay?" Damn, I love irony. Ooo! More irony. My mother dearest will not allow me to take female friends to my room. I'm not out to her. But hey, I can take guys there.

One more thing I must mention. A guy from London wrote me, as a result of my articles, which is cool. On the downside, he's about my age range, I'm most likely below his, and he has a boyfriend. However, despite all that, he's still a nice guy.

Oh, and I just realized something. Everyone in the world has a boyfriend except me. Thought I'd share.

Another thought for the day, I think this mag should be more published more often, if possible. Every two weeks, perhaps?

And that concludes my two cents.

UPDATE: Mmm-mmgood did call me last Saturday night, although I wasn't home. I called him on Sunday, as he was leaving for Toronto for a week.

Oh, and school starts Sept 3, I think.

Well, that's all for this month, please, email me at ss16@hotmail.com.

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