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Dillon Font

September 1997

This article will follow a much more serious tone than my previous articles.

The following song lyrics rang true for me, since someone seriously manipulated me for two years of my life. This song kind of rings true for me, maybe it'll ring true for you.

"You Devil! I won't lose!
I want everything you have.
After thousands of years,
My pride I used to have to embrace my love
has been lost in that time already,
leaving me like a pearl.
Together, with my hope, struggling hard,
my mind shall be crystal clear for all my life.
Even after thousands of years repetition,
love is still like a mysterious war.
So is your destiny for love.
I shall chance dramatically and gradually,
La Soldier!"
-- La Soldier, sung by the Sakkurada Club, translations by VKLL

I hate sex.

There, I said it, and I believe it. Weird, huh? But it's true. I think of how many negative things sex causes. Sex can shatter relationships quite easily. Sex can bring death to someone. Sex can completely shatter someone's psyche for the rest of their lives so someone else can come. It's sickening, isn't it?

Lately, I've been really looking at the world, and it scares me. I see so much pain and cruelty in this world. Sometimes I wonder if such a thing as love can really exist in such a horrible world.

Sometimes I get really sickening thoughts. Thoughts I don't want to think. A lot of it has to do with sex. It scares me. A friend told me that he believes that everyone is really sick in some way, or totally, and it's just the nature of humans. Sometimes I feel that I believe that as well. But for some reason, I just can't. I guess I hold too much hope in my heart. I can't believe that everyone is born bad. I think everyone is born with the ability to do good. Great good. But for some reason, it rarely manifests. Even in me. Sometimes I hate myself for thinking of such horrible things. I guess I can't help it. I've always been such an optimistic person, so I don't know why I think these things. I sometimes fear I really am a sick person, suppressing my sickening thoughts because I want to believe I'm a good person.

But I am a good person, aren't I? I work hard in school, I'm almost always nice to people, I help lots of people out whenever they need help. I love my mother for all she does for me. I love my father too. I love my grandparents and my aunt and uncle (on my father's side). I love my two sisters. I love my dear friends. But, does that make me a good person? Am I really fooling myself?

I don't want to be a bad person. I don't want to think sickening thoughts. But I do anyway. Does that mean I'm a sick, bad person in all reality? Or am I just way too paranoid.

Maybe this is why I'm such a safe-type person. I don't do drugs, I rarely drink. I couldn't stomach the thoughts of getting tattoos or piercings of any kind. Maybe I'm just trying to fool myself.

I know something happened in my childhood, I just don't know really what. Does anyone else have an idea of what that's like? I feel I had a really big traumatic experience, but I just can't remember. That scares me too.

And yet, through all this stuff, I believe. I believe in a world where people are good, where people can be happy. I hold too much hope in my heart.

My friends, my real friends, help me too. They help me to believe in a wonderful world. As a great Princess Selenity said once, "No, I believe. I believe in the world that they tried to protect. Please, the world that you believe in, help me to believe in it too!"

So, I guess I'm writing this whole thing to vent a bit. I'm just kind of upset about the whole thing. I think I'm a good person, but I'm just not sure anymore.

* * *

Well, let's go into some less depressing topics.

I think I've matured this summer a lot. I've spent a lot of time thinking.

I don't believe in Gay Pride anymore, at least for me. I don't think I'm special because I'm gay. My personality would be the same if I were straight.

I do think the nature of Gay Pride is essential. I think it's important for people not to feel inferior because they are gay. But I don't think that because we are gay, we should be treated like Faberge Eggs either. I just think gay people should be looked on as no different as a straight person.

It's just for me, I'm not proud because I'm gay. Doesn't mean I feel bad or inferior about me being gay. It's just something that's a part of me. That's it.

I'm an otaku before I'm a gay guy!

See you next month!! Email me at "SailrOtaku@aol.com".

Matane!! Puupuu!! Dillon "Otaku-chan" Font


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