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Shaun Hutchinson

September 1997

I remember this time I was in third grade. I was sitting in my seat on the bus, waiting to go home. Mostly, I kept to myself, so I was seated alone. All of a sudden, I saw everyone on the bus crowding to get to a window. They were all staring at something I was not privy to. I tried to appear uninterested, but curiosity is an insatiable mistress, and finally I relented.

In a display of elementary school magic, I watched the sun slowly devour the moon. It hurt my eyes to look at for any long period of time, so I could only glance in awe. However, when the moon was totally eclipsed, I stared. I stared at it like a crack addict stares at his next fix. In that instant, I was utterly consumed.

Then I heard the grating yell of the bus driver screaming at us that we'd go blind if we looked at the sun. I didn't go blind, but I had to keep blinking my eyes for a few minutes to get the shadow image to stop swimming in my vision.

I think I fell in love, and now I've ended it, and no matter how much a blink, I can't shake the image from my sight.

I've cried. I've tried to cut my wrists. I've carved words into my chest. I've punched holes in doors, and dented metal filing cabinets. My mom found out about the latter, and thinks I need to see a shrink to learn to control my anger. She didn't understand though, that it wasn't anger that was driving me, it was frustration.

I'm frustrated because I find I'm living in a world that rewards the senseless, and seeks to destroy pure idealism. I'm frustrated because one night I was out on the beach and I saw a falling star. In my mind, I whispered a wish. I wished that I might meet someone I could fall in love with. My best friend always tells me that wishes never turn out like you want.

She was right though. See, because I met a wonderful guy, but he lives far from me. Just close enough where I can see him once a week for a few hours, but not close enough to encourage the kind of relationship I need. But regardless of all my fears, I found myself falling for him anyway. So I ended it. I thought I could keep things from going so far, but it seems I can't even control my emotions.

People always say that long distance relationships don't work. I understand now. It's not that you don't love the person, it's that it hurts so much to love someone at a distance, that it is more unbearable to be with them, than to be alone.

Still, I keep blinking my eyes, but his image just won't go away.

too much is how I love you
but too well is how I know you
i've got nothing to prove
just something to show you
I just wanted you to see
that it was all worth it to me
Ani DiFranco -- Hour Follows Hour

DI VINCI

by shaun hutchinson

like a sculptor,
chipping away
at something already perfect
trying to find the end
and outside
of infinite wonder.
you have laughter
and with your chisel,
you don't see
that you don't have to try so hard.
David,
Venus De Milo,
and the other stone wonders,
something in your heart
claims brotherhood with them,
I only wish that you could yield
in your pursuit of waking dreams
and see that you are polished
and grand.

I love the way you can't stand to see me look at myself
and not like what I see.

Stand taller
than any single person
who has created something the world called great.
Stand taller,
and know that you have brought some sort of light to this world,
when in an age of darkness
lights shine so rarely.

I love the way you hold me close
and I truly know
where I belong,
and who I am.

 

Thanks all . . . If you have any comments, I am johngalt@shadow.net

Until another time,

Shaun


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