September 1997

The Outsider

I am the outsider in life. I won't bore you with my coming out story per se. I started life in a well to do Catholic family. I got molested by my older brother. I suffered abusive fantasies and nightmares as a child because of this. I hit puberty and found I liked men as much as women. Because of my religion and society, I denied my gay side thinking I was going crazy or whatever. I tried dating women and just found I wasn't interested that much. I never got past a first date. I guess that means I am a virgin.

So why am I an outsider? My religion tells me I am damned from birth for the way I am. Can I really accept a religion and a God who tells me that? I hit puberty and started praying that I would somehow be straight and have my soul saved. Guess what? No luck there, I guess I am damned. Makes me feel so good. I've tried to live a good life and no matter what I do I am damned for what's in my head. It doesn't matter how nice I am, how smart, friendly, thoughtful, generous -- once they know my true identity, my friends will all be gone. I guess they're really not friends but it's a nice illusion that keeps me from being all alone.

The fact that I am a virgin in my 20's makes me a loser as far as society goes. Women are just completely uninterested in me. I'd say I don't care but I do. It hurts to feel so much rejection. As I grew up with four brothers and sisters, me in the middle, life was ok. Unfortunately every friend I made on my own ended up being harassed, insulted and humiliated by my family. I lost all those friends. I really liked them too. Where does that leave me? Alone. I went to school, had friends, tried to be popular just to avoid the humiliation that I knew would eventually come if they (society) realised that I was different. It's like sitting on death row awaiting execution. I've often thought about cheating the executioner with suicide but my damn religion says you go to hell for that, too. Of course, I am already burning for just being born.

I've always been afraid to let anyone in my life get too close. They just might see the real me. The defective, gay, virgin loser living life all alone. I recently bought a meditation tape. I stopped listening because at one point the speaker said to imagine a time and place when you really felt loved. I can't think of a single moment in my life when I ever experienced love. I guess it's hard to love oneself when you don't know what love is.

Since I've finished college, I've had very few friends. I've virtually been alone for the past three years. Not that I haven't tried, it just seems people are not interested in knowing me. I've given up on being straight but even at the gay clubs I feel like an outsider. I've made some friends but so many just shut me out. I am rejected on both fronts as a heterosexual and a homosexual. I dream of being loved, yet I fear that is a dream which will never come true. The loneliness eats at me like a cancer. It haunts me day and night. I see love all around me. It teases me. Yet it denies me the experience.

I am outside the window of life staring in at what could be. I dream of friends and love. Is that so much to ask for? I always dreamed as a child of being rich and successful. Driving nice cars, having kids and a big house. Now I dream of just once feeling love. Just once I want to experience love. I don't think I am asking that much yet I fear there is no hope in my future. I can't take being alone much longer. The pain is too great. I am tired of crying myself to sleep each night knowing that once again I go to sleep alone only to wake to another day alone.

James, James25182@aol.com

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