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Justin Lundsten

September 1997

"The universe is so big......Long ago it was so small I could have kept it underneath my little skirt, at least until the big bang happened"

I never noticed him at first. I saw him at a school parents meeting. Oh, yes, I knew his name; Petter. He was someone far away, someone strange, someone to avoid and fearfully respect. He was popular with all. Seemed funny. Enviable. Nothing to the world really, skinny, to the eye somewhat fragile.

So there I sat. Half-drunk. Depressed. Looking into a pair of brown eyes. A pair of brown eyes that sucked me into a world of non-reality, eyes deep as the sea and so full of substance. Petter's eyes. I talked to him. A strange feeling filled my body and drunken brain.

- "I like you", he said, and continued:

- "In fact, I rank you as one of my best friends."

A smile split his face. A smile of Adonis. There and then, he suddenly became utterly desirable. A friend helped my non-coordinated body to stagger home. I put on some music. Monica Zetterlund. Her voice caressed and strengthened my visions and flashbacks of the evening.

"Sweeter than the blossom on the trees"

Trivial. Simple. I cried, don't asked me why. It felt good. I woke up. Thought about him. Ate dinner. Thought about him. Went to bed. Thought about him. A week floated by. Suddenly a friend called.

- "Petter knows your gay", she whispered

- "So what?" I said. Trembling.

- "He asked if we could come to you. I think he's gay"

They came. The skinny, strange boy was gone. That boy vanished from my mind. We had the same taste in everything. We had the same interests.

His mind and attitude are truly androgynous. Open to everything and everyone. He spits at the term sexuality and despises the groups different people are put in. "Just be" is his motto. Like what you like and love what you love.

- "Have you ever tried putting something up your ass? I mean, just to try?" He said to me. Then we together viewed gay-porn and chatted on the gay-chat.

He is so different. Why is he different? Can't everyone be like him or is it at all possible to be like him? He stands for what he thinks, and dares to say what he thinks.

He says that he can let loose his more feminine side when he's with me, because he then doesn't have to answer all the immature and ridiculous questions he can get. With me, it's okay. He doesn't have to answer for his behavior. He has an indescribable personality. He is my friend. I am his secret admirer. He is in love with a girl who has the same charisma as a dead fish. It's such a waste......

Feel free to email me at lundsten.heather@goteborg.mail.telia.com, some mail would really cheer me up.


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