Doug R.

October 1997

September 2, 1997.

I'm going to begin with a reflection on the summer. Now that I think about it, I really learned a lot. Although some things were learned the hard way, unfortunately. I'll begin with the main lesson that's still bothering me, nearly two months later. I was sexually active with two guys this summer. In both cases, we were only friends. However, the second guy was briefly my boyfriend, and we had very recently broken up. So afterwards, I didn't even talk to the first guy for a while after. I've tried calling him, but he's always been busy, said he'd call me back, but never did. We were good friends up until. We talked a lot, had fun and so on. As for the second guy, our relationship depleted, I suppose. I didn't talk to him very much, and the little conversations we did have were very strained. And as of now, things are bad with both of them. When I think about it, it wasn't worth losing either of them as friends. None of it. Is this all result of my own stupidity and ignorance? Or is it their fault? Can I even trust people any longer?! I have no idea. I just plan not to get involved with anyone for a while.

I've also learned I'm not very happy with mother dearest. It's almost as in the last little while, she's been trying to out me. A few months ago, she found "disturbing sites" that had been visited in Netscape on MY computer. Why she was on my computer is still beyond me. I fed her some technical bullshit, and got out of that. About a week ago, on a Saturday afternoon, she found an 'Icon' magazine of mine. It's a gay magazine here. It's not pornographic or anything, just an entertainment magazine. Instead of asking why I had it, or some other obvious question. She asked, "Where did it come from?" Where did it come from. What fucking difference does THAT make?! A store, I suppose!! It was actually given to me from my boss, who I have mentioned, is also gay. I was disgusted, and just went to my room. I called a friend, who I'll call "Cris" and I explained to her what happened, and told her I had to get out of the house. I got off the phone, and Mother "Dearest" blocked my bedroom door and asked her silly question once again. So I told her it was a friend's and told her to move because I was late for work. And I wonder if she realized my cafe is closed on Saturdays. I hopped on my bike and rode to Cris' house.

We hung out there for a while, and talked. Unfortunately, around six o'clock, her parents went out with friends. And Cris can't have guys over when her parents aren't home. It's actually quite humorous. Her parents know we're both gay, but the no guys rule still applied. I called another friend, "Dan", to see if I could go over there, but I got the call answer [He was on the phone] As I was leaving, she asked where I was going to go, I had no idea. I biked to the mall, and phoned Dan, I asked if he felt like company, he asked what was wrong, and I told him I'd explain when I got there. I arrived at Dan's, we talked for a while, watched a couple movies, and talked some more. He asked when I was going home, I told him I didn't want to go home, even asked if I could stay at his place for the night. He said it would be better if I did go home. I left Dan's and arrived home around midnight, I think. I watched some Saturday Night Live, and went upstairs to my room. There was a note on my bed from my mother saying that her questions came from love and concern. This brings us back to my favorite expression, what fucking ever.

I detest rumors. I was recently sitting in Second Cup with Dan and Hortense. We were soon joined by Sigh. Sigh was disgustingly cheerful, which frightened me. He sat down, and asked me if I was going out with my friend Cris. I just looked at him, and said, "I thought you would have known, I'm gay, and so is Cris" He told me that was the rumor going around. Then he asked me if I was seeing anyone, I told him no, and he said he wasn't either. So now there's rumors about moi. Yeah, not.

I suppose I should be somewhat positive, to show that I'm not a complete antagonist. That guy who wrote to me from London, who I will call Facile, and I are pretty good friends now. We often talk on the phone, which is cool. He's got a cell phone that you can email. So he's never out of touch. It's fun to send him goofy e-mail when we know he's around other people. He also stalks me on rollerblades.. ah-ha I'm loving it. So, I'm still looking for guys my age in London.

By the way, something I must share. Some people will often type: [name_of_province_here], Canada. Why?! If I see a US state, I know what country is being referred to. Ontario, for example, is very large. Geographically, it can be compared to several US states put together. So I figure, if you don't know what country Ontario is in, you must be living in a cave. School began for another year today. I've made it to grade 11. Yay! I have an easy first semester. First geography, second design tech, third art, fourth lunch, and fifth religion. Sadly, next semester will be killer.

Well, I'm off for this month, email me at ss16@hotmail.com

Like, Doug.

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