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Virginia Eveland

October 1997

I remember when I used to begrudge myself for not being morbid. No good material ever came out of being 'happy'. What a world it would be if we all got our material from being 'happy' instead of being miserable. So I'm sitting here, listening to too much of my mood music, trying to write so I don't carve up my arm like it was a Thanksgiving turkey.

It amazes me that any parent could make that ultimate assumption in today's society. About sexuality. About religion. About love. Mine have. I'm their straight little Christian daughter. I just happen to have problems thinking the bible condemns homosexuality. But, don't worry, I'm born again, so I'll eventually 'return to the flock' or some sort of shit like that.

They have no idea how far away from that flock I want to place myself.

I'm not straight.

I'm not Christian.

I'm a bisexual Wiccan, and if those aren't two labels guaranteed to cause grief, I don't know which ones will. I left the Judeo-Christian god when I was around seven or eight. How could I stick with a god that never helped, never aided me, and left me suicidally depressed, in elementary school?

So I dabbled in Goddess. I talked to the moon the way some people talk to the sky. And I found myself returning back to things like lying down in the grass and looking up and centering. I didn't call it centering, but that's what it was. So I went back to long walks in the woods, where I could be alone, where no one hurt me but my own stupidity. Which I had plenty of.

I might have found a deity that didn't out and out condemn me, but I still had parents that did. I've gotten a little farther since I was a kid. I realize I'm not bad because of who I happen to fall in love with, or more accurately, who I get crushes over, who I sigh over, who I ask out on dates. Who I might end up falling in love with. I know I'm not going to go to some place of eternal damnation for living as I was made.

Everyone says that lying is such a huge sin. Well, I'm tired of lying to the most important people I know. I want out. I want parents that will support me. I want to be able to talk about girlfriends or boyfriends. I want to be able to talk about my faith, and how things are going for me in my studies. I want to be able to talk about issues that are important to me. And I want to do it with my parents. That isn't such a terrible thing, I think. But they'd have to know, and right now, I can't convince them that homosexuals aren't going to hell, let alone to try to soften their opinion on 'new age' religion.

So instead I'm sitting in front of a computer screen, talking to pseudo parents who try to help me out with advice I can never feel a freedom to take. I don't want their advice. I just want to be out.


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