John P.

October 1997

It's funny how some of the most nerve-racking experiences in someone's life, can also be some of the fondest memories. How something that takes every ounce of energy out of you, that makes you sick to your stomach, turns out to be something you look back on, and wish it could happen all over again.

Was it the change? Was it the attention? Was it the courage? I don't know, and I don't know if I ever will. Is it normal? Maybe, maybe not. Is it the movie? Probably. But whatever it is, no matter the stress I went through, no matter the fear I felt. No matter the fact that I lit cigarette after cigarette, each one from the burning ashes of the one before it.

Most people think I wasted two and a half years of my life. Two and a half years and a whole bunch of money down the drain at a failed college career. I feel that I discovered myself. I discovered who I am. I discovered that there are people who accept me for who I am. College may not have been what I needed at the time. Maybe if I had gone to a school close to home I could have graduated this past May as I was supposed to. And maybe I'd be an alien to myself as I was for almost 19 years.

Nonetheless, I did go to a school 200 miles away, I did make friends who are going to be my friends for life, and on October 12, 1995 I told a select few people for the first time that I was gay. Less than two months later, I made the shortest trip back to Albany I ever made. A trip that was solely for the purpose of packing up and moving back home. I guess I'd learned everything I needed to learn from college at the time. Was I too young to go to college? Maybe. Was it a waste of my time? No.

Well now it's almost two years later. I have a job, and I'll be going back to school soon. As I sit here, pushing the rewind button on one of my favorite movies, all I can think about is my own coming out experience. Though different from the character in "Threesome", Every time he has an emotional moment, I know how he feels. Every time I know his heart is pumping, mine pumps just as fast. As the movie draws to an end, and he looks back at this experience that is now over, that he wouldn't trade for anything in the world I feel the same way. 

I don't know why I look back so fondly at my coming out process. Though I'm happy with the outcome, I'm just as fond of the process. Could it be the attention. Could it be the feeling that I was climbing a mountain that less than three months earlier I promised myself I would never go near? Could it be that if I had a boyfriend things would be different. That my urge to be recognized subconsciously as a homosexual would be fulfilled. Maybe that's all it is. Yeah, people know I'm gay, and they recognize the fact. But is that the kind of recognition I want? No. I need to the recognition to be on a subconscious level.

The more I think about how single I am, the more I want to see this movie. The more I think about how my life is at a standstill the more I want to see this movie, and the fonder my memories of my coming out experience are. I guess I just need to move on with my sexuality, and then I'll no longer remain stuck on the last big move 2 years ago.

Well that's about it for this months edition, One month, when I have no feelings to explore in my writings, I'll share with you the story of how I came out. 

By the way, I LOVE receiving e-mail. my addie is maniatis@ultinet.net. So feel free to drop me a line or visit my homepage at http://www.ultinet.net/~maniatis. (AOL users will have trouble loading up the page. for some reason AOL hates my ISP). And if you do drop by, make sure you sign my guestbook.

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