Curtis Lyle Lawrence
Ahhhhh, frosh week, frosh week! The time of year where new and returning students come to explore and rediscover our humble hallowed halls of holistic academia. A chance to see old friends, meet new ones, get drunk (although I NEVER drink myself into a stupor, I encourage it in all of my friends so that they can stumble around drunkenly for my amusement -- heehee, evil!)
Plus you get to see all the new societies that have bowed and scraped to get all of $50 funding from the students' union. I got to sit on my tush for seven hours in the field house two days in a row (14 hours altogether!) so that I could watch the human cattle (mooooo) line up in a big line right past my table for the debating society (I'm not only a member, I'm secretary, BUT I don't do coffee,) A line, may I add, that is unnecessary since they are all given numbers that are called out to them on a speaker system set at the comfortable setting between making my ears bleed and making the ears in the people in the mall 10 miles away bleed! Yay!
There are a bunch of new and innovative societies this year like the martial artist society (did I mention that I'm into Karate?), the Jewish students fellowship, the Library society (ooooh! me want! me want! okay it's not a society, it's a job putting books on shelves) the AIDS awareness society (LOTS of free scented (mint) and unscented condoms, I taped a bunch of them together like ammo belts and slung them over my shoulders for all to see --what the hell else am I going to do with 56 of them? Jell-O molds? Such aggressive give-aways may not do much for stopping the spread of AIDS but the certainly prove my ability to be an asshole while totally sober, keen!
The most interesting one, besides debating, of course, (any chance for me to bitch and make money at it...) was the Sexual Alternatives (diversity) Society(SAS or SAdS, or Clyde, if you want to call it that) A booth manned by one brave little soldier all day, trying to start a G/L/B/T/straight alliance/support group at our university. He broke records on the second day with two people besides myself or the campus psychologist actually taking a flyer from him, let's have a round of applause for this little guy who dared insults, scornful looks and the total ennui for us people!
The other benefit of these booths is that you get to be the first to check out the year's fresh meat, whooops! I'm mean gigantic mountains of manly muscle undulating in my general direction, err no! I mean...poop, I need a boyfriend!
The one really good thing about this frosh week is that Campus Crusade For Christ didn't have a booth. Why is this a good thing? Hmmm, according to their website God hates gays, AIDS has been foretold in the bible as a punishment for us, and that according to a "psychologist" at one of their "universities," homosexuality is caused by demonic possession which can be cured by exorcism, [obvious sarcasm] oooh, the one thing I DIDN'T try! I guess that would have worked better than almost going through with my plan to shove a very large pair of scissors up my nose and into my brain! How do I get my head to spin around like that kid from the classic comedy "The Exorcist"? That would be keen!
These guys are like the nutso group that I got stuck with back when I was reli--religi--gack!--religious! I don't know if I can name them so I will and happy-nice-editor-guy can cut it out if is legally threatening to Oasis (or me) Legionnaires of Christ!(feel free to spit here). There, I said it, if it's not here send me e-mail to get the total sordid story of sex, lies, and political intrigue(well, there's no sex involved, sorry, it's just an attention grabber, leave me alone)
I'll just give you a run down on their recruitment techniques and mentality:
All this and more happened, now do any of you wonder why I'm just the littlest bit bitter toward religion?
PS: For those right wing watch-dogs who have blacklisted Oasis (and are probably reading this right now)...you are quite fortunate that we can no longer use emoticons to express ourselves. Thus, allow me to express my undying love and faith to you by saying those three oh-so-special words:
FUCK YOU, ASSHOLES
doesn't it just bring tears to your eyes?