Miguel Solana

October 1997

Sorry for not writing something last month, but I was very busy in a way...

School is back, actually it started like two months ago, it's been something really different from what it was last year. I think now everybody is fighting for their real interests, and that's making it a hard place to be at times.

At the same moment, it's been time for change with me, it was like asking myself, where to go? It's been really hard, even to ask this question, so it was harder to try giving an answer, it took me to some parts I never though would get to, but the reward is becoming bigger as I start understanding what is at the end of the road, a road to walk by, and enjoy -- that road is life.

From how lonely I feel (yes, I feel lonely), it's been a way of getting used to myself, and even my sexuality, before I accepted it because it just was, you can't change that. Now, it is part of me, that part that leads to the feelings, to the search of the real thing, not just being gay. It's being yourself, and that brings things up to other levels, ones where things are for a reason, and not just are.

Something I'm starting to hate this year in school, is that there is a guy at my class, that all the bad things are "gay" things. It doesn't matter how silly it sounds he will name that "gay", it's so hard to be dealing with that kind of people that are so ignorant, that can't look further than their nose, and keep bashing everything they don't understand. I have just kept quiet and listening. It is like discovering his fears just from what he projects to the others, interesting. Now you can say gay so easily, at least for bashing, maybe someday it will be for something much better than that.

Thinking about life, brings plenty of theories about this, it's like trying to contain everything in one word -- of course, this word is "life." But, so far, what does life really mean? In my humble opinion, that's something everybody should ask themselves. It may be the main reason I'm writing this. It's expressing what's going on when it comes to deeper things, when we stop just living in the world, and start wondering why do we live like that, why do we do (or may be do not do) such things we like or even dislike. When we start getting into those things is when I think we all get confused. We all try to think of very complex things, that just leave us worse than when we started.

So what would be the solution to that questioning? I think it would be trying to find the real things (the ones that satisfy us) in simple things, not trying to get too far. The answers to our questions are closer to us than we have ever thought. We just have to want to look beyond our nose (and, God knows, a have a huge one). The more we start looking for enjoyment on basic things the more we will be satisfied. As humans, I can't imagine we need a lot, it's just that we get used to needing as many things as we can handle. But if we go to the roots, we can see that at all we just need may be two things: love and being happy, that's it! Just those two things will fill all the things we like to look for away from ourselves and experiencing complex things.

Just remember, as humans there are no real needs except for the biological ones, and the spiritual ones. Just go to the basics and you may find the truth is out there (even if it sounds like the X-files).

Hope everybody enjoyed this month's thing, and just didn't fall asleep

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