November 1997

I know in the past two articles I've written I have tried to keep to some kind of main theme, but this past week has been the hardest time of my life. I am finally in love with someone and I don't know how he feels about me. I mean he is the one that totally out of the blue started winking at me, I manage the Cross Country team at my high school, because I have bad knees and I can't run.

It all started at the beginning of the school year...

The day after the coach tells the team I am the manager, I am in the guidance office, and this guy walks in. I'll call him Jim. So I say hi to Jim, and he says hi back, and I turn back to the guidance person. When I am done, I turned to Jim and said she's all yours. As a joke. And Jim winks at me. I didn't really know what to think, but I didn't think to much of it until later.

About 20 minutes later, I see him in the hall and he looks right into my eyes and winks again, then smiles... this time I was going crazy, I couldn't stop thinking about him all day.

The next day at a meet, I am at the start line and Jim is there, stretching, so he puts his hand on my shoulder to stabilize his balance. No big deal, usually takes a minute or so on each leg. Well, Jim took about 3 minutes on each leg.

On the way back from the meet, every time I turned around on the bus, he was looking at me in the eyes.

I could tell you guys the whole story, day by day, but it is pretty much the same all the way through to here. I am head over heels for him. and my "gay-dar" tells me that he is gay, I mean it is not like every straight guy winks at you, or is it me, do you all have a guy that is straight and that winks at you? But even with this in the back of my mind, I still have a lot of doubt that my mind is playing some really really mean tricks on me, for instance today, I was walking behind him, and he puts his arm around a girl. That made me think that I was wrong about him being gay. So I told my friend about this and he says that a lot of people hug each other regardless of sex or gender preference. I know that too, but still the thought is there.

I don't know what to do know, I want to make a move, but every time I see him and his sweet brown eyes, I freeze. The ironic thing is, I think that we are alike, because I am not the type of person that is able to talk to people that I have feelings for very easily, and I think that he is the same. We don't talk a lot, I guess we are both loners, but I am tired with being a loner on my own, I want to be with someone.

Well thanks to all of you who have sent me mail, I do try to respond to it.

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