November 1997

Well, okay... maybe that wasn't a very good introduction last time. Let's try again... "Hi... umm..." I could never get it right. For those just tuning in, I'm the standard scrawny high-school computer geek freshman, unsettled about himself, life in general, and anything else having anything to do with style. Except, I just finished undergraduate school and still asking inane questions like "Am I normal?" and "Who do I want to be when I grow up?" Obviously, nobody else will have the answers and I'm starting to get really anxious and depressed about it, again...

Meanwhile, many Ann Landers-types quoteth "You must love yourself before X", where X (be it "love others", "others love you", or "become self-realized", etc.) always seems to be needed for the first part; there must be a start in there somewhere.

So what does all this self-esteem banter have to do with the types of issues Oasis is for? Well, while trying to deal with my other difficulties, the "minor" topic of possibly being gay keeps coming up. I still say possibly (but more likely) as I've never actually tested this. Then again, I haven't much experience being a hetero either. But that sounds like I'm obsessed with thoughts of sex and the like, which I'm not; I'm even comfortable talking about it. It does bring up for me the question of what the proper, umm, sequence is for coming out if one were to, though. Is one supposed to "try before you buy" or the other way around? It would seem many have already been around before making their decision, but then, does it really matter whether everyone else recognizes you for that? What's the whole thing for?

I'm still rather intimidated by the whole "gay culture" thing and the image that it projects. Obviously, the media still maintains the stereotype, reinforced by footage of the most recent event or parade. I doubt I would be much, if any, different one way or the other; it's like being left handed. I don't get it. But I know I would definitely be on the defensive against anyone I would (n)ever tell, fending off all the things I would be expected to become. I somehow envision a "coming out kit", complete with little flags, stickers, body piercing tools, choice of buzzcut shears or fluorescent hair dye, and a mouth appliance for the proper "accent." Meanwhile, Zed n' Maynard awaits just inside the door of the local "gay bars" while the Village People blasts away in the background. Eeek! There's obviously something much more to it all, but it's hard to know from this side. The only other gay people I know are, well, "queer". I'm certainly not against people doing their own thing, but there seems to be a single, overpowering image to represent something that's supposedly embraces diversity (whatever that means). Again, I'm sure I'm way overgeneralizing something I know very little about.

*sigh* grasshopper so confused. I guess there's books available on these sort of things. But, getting the courage to actually purchase one (let alone finding one) from a store without attracting any attention, eye contact, or conversation in the process would be a tremendous feat for me. Such a simple thing, and I could have a nervous breakdown before I even walk in.

I'm not even sure if I should be worrying about this issue until I get the other parts of my life together, but that probably won't happen on its own (or at least anytime soon). I suppose I should find some of those "best friends" I keep hearing about (hmm... nothing in the personals). I'd have to learn how to open up to people to get very far with that (at least on-line, I can take time to try to figure out what I'm really feeling [it sometimes takes a while]).

Well, I'll wrap it up there... hopefully not too overloaded this time. In other news, I'm thinking about moving from Oregon to the SF Bay Area, which could be a good path to make other changes, but I'd probably just settle into another daily routine. I should know more (about the first part) by next time...

Later, Chris (clim8@rocketmail.com)

PS: Is it okay not to like the Village People?

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