[oasis]

[columns]


Robert Hines

November 1997

Hi all, this is my 12th column I have written for Oasis. A year's worth of me, oh BOY! This magazine has really been a therapy for me, I don't know how much more often I can write these articles. I feel like I have less and less problems as my short life goes on. Last month, as you may know, I didn't write. I might write the month after this, maybe not, but I enjoy writing these. I like knowing that I am helping people out. For all the people who email me and I never get back to you, thank you. This column I have has made me able to speak my view without getting worried if I was boring anyone, which I hate to do.

I found lately I love myself a lot more, not that I didn't before, because of the fact I was queer. Queer meaning gay, not weird. I like the word queer and if people think I am treating myself weird then they can think like that, I don't care. I do believe now that you must love yourself before you love others. It is true for myself anyway. I find now that I am closer to my friends because I love myself, I am happier.

I was always down about things. Especially about my location in the world, a city in the winter which has a thirty percent unemployment rate. I should be grateful for what I have, and it is Canada. We are guarantied health and the necessities no matter what. I found a friend described it to me well one day. She said just think of something a bit better and accentuate the positive and then it will come true. She told me just to add more and more happiness to it and it will happen to me and it has.

I do not need anyone to be happy, a boyfriend I am talking about. I always felt I needed one to feel happy. Perception is reality after all. I have found myself more, I see myself as different from everyone else, I have my own identity, and lately I don't like anyone telling me what they think is wrong with me or what I say is wrong, because I don't need to hear it. I am much too sensitive to feel guilty about anything. I mean, if I have to resort to telling people their bad points, what does that say about me? Really, I don't care about people's points, I live with them and am close to the ones that don't force their opinions on me as laws. I'm sick of all this 'listen to me' stuff. It's time for me to do what I want because I can't take feeling certain ways like feeling like I had to make up for being in the closet.

I always pitied myself, felt like I deserve a boyfriend all the time. I really got critical. When I didn't have a boyfriend, I blamed it on repression and prejudice. For what I know, I have gone out with more people than some of my friends so I quit doing that. Also I learned to appreciate the moments, cause I do believe the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence, then once you are there it just plain sucks. I love myself, people I surround myself with, and being single, freedom to do what I want, and I love the fact that I am always changing for the better and wish everyone else is too.

I have less anger towards everything I find. I tend to throw away the human reaction to 'stressing situations'. You know that 'fight or flight' response that I seemed to have last year. Now I just see underprivileged people, they can't think the way I do and I feel bad for them. I mean I know I am not "it" or anything. I know there are people on Earth or somewhere else that see me and think I am primitive. I would want them to pity me, not to hate me, because I don't know any better. Think about that next time. I feel bad too at times, because no matter how much I push my thoughts down my own throat I often go against them and feel like I need to get revenge. But I don't need anyone telling me my mistakes, I know what I'm doing wrong.

One of my many mistakes, I suppose, was being with too many people. I haven't been with anyone now for 2 months and I am pretty happy. I got desensitized to the whole dating thing, I think, and I didn't even know it. Now I am happy, alone, and although I would love to date someone, I'm going to wait until it just happens. Although there are a lot of people, especially one or two, I would like to ask out, but I couldn't. I'm sorry if I sound self absorbed now.

There have been certain things in my life that I always had stereotypes about and like I always have said, I never acted on them because, well, it was wrong to act on illusions. Now I feel like some of those stereotypes are breaking down, my mind is becoming more free. I love diversity more than ever. I would like to say a few things about my favorite artist, Bjork. I hear her new album and I just think about how much her music has changed and how much she will change. She went from Debut, a more I think traditional, classic Bjork to Post, a more Industrial Bjork, and now on to Homogenic, Asian Bjork. It excited me, hearing her music, because it is so different.

Now on my 12th article, I just look back at different articles and see how much things have changed in a short period of time. I have refreshed my homepage in a big way so take a look at my new page. I wish there was something more to say on my big anniversary, but I guess not. That's another thing, why does the one year thing mean a big deal anyway?


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