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Bryan St. John

November 1997

Homophobia

I bet you are wondering why I named this article homophobia. Simple, because that's what I have to deal with from my family and friends everyday.

For those of you who have accepting families, I see you as lucky. You don't have to deal with the emotional pain that I must deal with. I'm going to start with what happened when I came out.

The first words my Mom said after the normal "Are you sure?"s is to go right into this deal about me "playing with the devil and you're going straight to hell" bits followed by a state of denial and favoritism toward the other children of my household. I know you're saying that is not that bad, well I know it isn't. The hardest people to deal with are my step-dad and my brother. They are constantly calling me little faggot when my Mom isn't around (although my Mom does not accept the fact that I'm gay and is actually appalled by it, she would never let them treat me with such inhumanity) and making fun of who I am by pinching my butt and other annoying things. My step-dad has become very violent toward me. I have told my Mom but she chooses to be blind about the whole subject, leaving me open to any emotional and physical scars that I may leave this house with when I move out in two years.

Now I know you are wondering why I'm even sticking around in the first place. Well, the only reason I have is I have no place to go except for a boy's home in Georgia that is somewhat of a boot camp. My family has basically disowned me and doesn't want anything to do with me, except my sister but she is to young to do anything about what is going on.

Now my friends don't really mind being around me, it's just they often say little things that hurt and they do not realize it. Like, if they are talking about guys and I jump in with a "he's cute" or something like that, they have a reaction of "eww, gross." I understand that is partially because I live in a small town full of closed minds who are therefore unwilling to understand something that they have not grown up around.

I must admit sometimes I am on the verge of killing myself but the only thing stopping me from it is that if I do kill myself, I won't change anything and I will only add to the growing statistics of gay youth that commit suicide each year. I just hope I can survive for two more years in this cruel environment. Please do not let this article discourage anyone from coming out because in most cases it is better than being in the closet although in my case I should have kept my mouth shut. So, test the waters before jumping into things.


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