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John P.

November 1997

Well, it's October 13th right now. Two days after National Coming Out Day, one day after my personal two-year anniversary. As I look back over the past two years, I've seen so little advancement in regards to my love life that it's sickening. All I see is me on AOHell night after night, trying to meet new guys, sometimes succeeding, sometimes not. Then I look at all the miserably failed first dates, and it makes me depressed.

So last night (the night of my anniversary), my best friend is down in NY visiting for a few days. So I call her up and tell her to get ready to go out to the gay bars. I guess it's about time I start meeting people in person, so I get all dolled up, hop in my car and go to pick her up. then the lights on my car go out. Wonderful, so we take her parents' car, which she needs to have back by 1:30. We don't even get to the city until like midnight. Then we try to find parking (Ever tried to find parking in the village at midnight?).

We park the car at 12:30, and get lost trying to find Christopher Street (I feel like such an unreal queer!). well we find it, and just walking up and down the street looking for a cool bar was fun, but then we see that it's almost 1 am, and it really wouldn't be a good idea for me to risk humiliation, getting carded one month before my 21st birthday for 10 minutes!

So we find the car, drive to her house, pick up my car to go to a nearby diner, have lunch (I'm a night owl, what can I say?), then we go to Genovese to buy beauty aids so we can go back to her house and I can give her a make over. We busted a few guts laughing. Then at around 6:30 my father pages me, wondering where I am, and then we get into a fight because he's telling me it's "wrong" for me to be in her parents' house at that hour, blah blah blah. So pissed off I leave, get home, practically have a screaming match with my father, then go to sleep.

So now I sit back in my room, in my chair in front of my computer, as if it's just another day, as if nothing's wrong. Not taking the initiative to go and meet people, not taking the initiative to move out of my house so I can live my life the way I feel I need to live it, not even taking the initiative to go see if I can figure out what the fucking problem is with my car (like I know anything about cars).

Tomorrow, I'm going to get up and get ready for work, starting off another week like I did the last, and the one before it. I'll continue to plan my trip to Vegas next month to celebrate my birthday with my friends, yet lonely and alone. There's been little advancement over the past two years, yet there'll be even less if I don't make an attempt to change things. But as I sit here, everything is too comfortable. I know I can bust my ass and get where I want to be, and I'll be a lot happier (tired, but happier), yet I don't know what's holding me back.

Day after day, I make an oath to myself that I'm going to try, yet in the past year and a half that I've been working, rather than continuing to climb out of debt, I've fallen further into it, thus forcing me in this miserable rent free environment. Every time I work a San Francisco flight, every time I see pictures of it online, every time I talk about it, I get all jealous of people that are where I want to be. Well, I've made no points in this article. None at all.

Well, you know the deal, visit my homepage or e-mail me. Yadda Yadda Yadda.


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