November 1997


"And the white line's getting longer and the saddle's getting colder
I'm much too young to feel this damn old
All my cards are on the table with no ace left in the hole
I'm much too young to feel this damn old"

--"Much Too Young (To Feel This Damn Old)", Garth Brooks

I haven't written since August. Sorry. My life has been very busy! The first week in August was a week from hell; I came out to another friend ("Jen") on August 23; I went back to school on August 26; I came out to my mother on September 8 (yes, you read that correctly, I did it!).

I suppose I'll deal with things in chronological order...

The Week From Hell!

August began as a nice enough month, but it seemed to go downhill from there.

August 2 was "John's" birthday party. Even though he is my ex-boyfriend, we have still remained friends. Anyway, we were all sitting in his back yard, just talking when someone noticed that the propane tank attached to the grill was on fire! After that little emergency was taken care of, the rest of the night was more or less uneventful.

On August 3, my mother and I were supposed to go to a Mary Chapin Carpenter concert in Boston. I was quite excited since Ms. Carpenter is my favorite singer, and I was planing on having a wonderful time at the concert until my mother started getting sick in the car. I felt really bad for my mother since she was looking forward to the concert too, but my step-father ended up taking me and I had a great time.

On August 4, the day after the concert, my alarm clock began singing to me at exactly 7:31 AM. I dragged myself out of bed, and went to work at 9. When I got in, I found out that I didn't have to be in until 1! Arghh!

Tuesday, August 5 wasn't too bad. The only thing eventful that happened was that I had dinner at "Sophie's" house and that dinner included tofu, which I had for the first time. It actually wasn't too bad. It had almost no taste to it at all, so it was kind of like eating nothing, if you can imagine what that's like. I found out later, that "Sophie" had a reason to invite me over for dinner: She was getting a new desk and wanted help bringing it upstairs to her room, so I helped. After bringing the desk upstairs, we sat in her room, with the door closed, talking. Her mother was angry that we were in there with the door closed and after they drove me home, "Sophie" and her mother had an interesting conversation in the car on the way back to their house, but I didn't find out about it until Friday.

Wednesday was just a plain old Wednesday; nothing exciting happened

Thursday, August 7, I went into Boston to see the musical Show Boat at the Wang Theater. This was my first big show and I was in culture shock! It was a wonderful show, too!

On Friday, I found out about the conversation that "Sophie" and her mother had. "Sophie" asked her mother why she was so angry that we had been in her room with the door closed, since we weren't doing anything. Her mother's response was "Well, I know he's gay, but..." "Sophie" was caught off her guard. It turned out that her mother had figured me out, but that she was OK with it; "Sophie" had predicted that her mother would condemn me to hell if she ever found out. She was wrong. I was talking to "Mary" on the phone that night and told her that "Sophie's" mother had figured me out. "Mary" told me that her parents figured it out too! I found this surprising, but it didn't bother me at all.

Then, on Sunday, my dad took me to see "Blue Man Group". I can only describe it as a 'theater experience'; it defies adjectives! If you're in the Boston area, it's playing at The Charles Playhouse in Boston. It's well worth the price of tickets ($35 and $45). If you do go, try to get tickets in the "Poncho Section".

So, that was my week from hell; it had its goods and it had its bads.

"I'm gay."

On Saturday, August 23, I was at the mall with "Sophie" and "Jen". While at the food court, I decided to come out to "Jen". I had told "Sophie" that I was thinking about doing it, and not to be surprised if I did it that day. We were just sitting there, eating, and I blurted out, "I'm gay." "Jen" was in a state of shock at first (I suppose I should have at least warned her somehow.) , but she was cool with it; "Sophie" almost choked on her pretzel.

Another year...

I started my sophomore year of High School on August 26 and I don't like it. I've always heard that sophomore year is the worst, and I'm beginning to believe it (though, I guess I lucked out, since there's at least one cute guy in all of my classes). My classes themselves, aren't the greatest: Algebra II (I like this class, I like algebra, I'm odd, I know.), Honors Chemistry, Health (my teacher is a moron), Geometry (yes, two math courses; like I said: I know, I'm odd.), Latin I, Honors English (I'm convinced my teacher's first name is 'Lucifer'), and AP US History. The only class that I really don't like is English, which, I guess, isn't a good sign, since I think I want to be an English teacher.

"I'm gay" Part II

I finally did it: I came out to my mother. It all started when I first told her that I didn't want to be confirmed. I had originally planned to tell her that as a way to ease into coming out to her, but she took my not wanting to be confirmed much worse that I had expected her to. She's such a hypocrite! She hasn't been to church in over a year, and yet, I still have to be confirmed in a religion that I don't believe in, and that says I'm going straight to hell for being who I am. So, after I told her, she called my dad. He talked to me and said he understood where I was coming from, but that he wanted me to do it to keep the peace, and so that he didn't have to deal with her calling him up with such non important subjects to discuss. So, I told him that I would do it, but I didn't tell him that I had planned to come out to her.

Then, on Monday, September 8, I was on the phone with "Mary" when I told her that I was going to come out to my mother now. She asked if I wanted her to hang up. I told her not to, because I wanted her there for emotional support. She agreed to stay on the line. I went out into the kitchen and asked my mother to come into my room. I told her that I was going to get confirmed because I loved her, but that I thought she should know my real reason for not wanting to be. She said, "What?" in a normal, everyday tone. I told her that I wanted her to listen with an open mind. "What?" she repeated, in a more ominous tone. I told her that I didn't want her to freak out either. "What?" she repeated again, in an almost evil tone. "I'm gay." She let out a long sigh, and then we started arguing. One of the many false things she said was that I was too young to make this decision. She also said that the internet was influencing me. As I write this on September 18, we are still having arguments.

For now, I know she hasn't accepted it, and she says she never will, but I hope she will, in time.


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