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A.J.

December 1997

Dearest Oasis Reader,

Since it is still November when I write this, and November is the month of Thanksgiving, I've got some things I'd like to say thanks for before I start. Thanks for hazel eyes. Thanks for boyfriends with hazel eyes. Thanks for the Internet which helps you hook up with boyfriends with hazel eyes. Thanks for friends who listen to you with a compassionate ear as you rail against those boyfriends with hazel eyes. And more than anything thanks for Kleenex, for after you break up with a boyfriend with hazel eyes (or rather after he sends you a "lets just be friends" e-mail.).

You know, the ironic think is that I've got Sister Hazel playing right now. It's been a very exciting/nerve-racking month for poor AJ. In case the list didn't help you figure it out, I've had a boyfriend. Yep, I am a guy. Yeah, for real (I don't see why it should be such a shock considering where this article is linked from!).

I really don't know where to start on this one. If you've been reading my column with any regularity, you know that I'm not by any means out of the closet. Nor do I think I'll ever be too much more out than I am now. The only thing that might change would be that my parents might be told at some point that their son is bisexual. The exact date is very undecided ... let's be honest, its scheduled between the time I die and the end of the existence of matter. My boyfriend ... former boyfriend ... is totally closeted too. So, that being the case, we had the whole secrecy in our relationship thing going. Which sucked, but you know, you are willing to make exceptions given that the alternative isn't much fun.

For two weeks (starting the day after I turned in my last article if you can believe THAT! Well I met him the day after the article was turned in anyway.), we were extremely ... friendly. We were hanging out (mostly in my room, and most of the time with the door open) and talking about whatever. It's really weird, because I fell for him so hard my butt still hurts. It generally takes a lot for me to fall for someone, who have until this point been of the female gender, but I have really a bad tendency of falling hard when I do fall. I don't think I've fallen quite this hard before though. Okay, well you are probably saying what happened to the other two weeks.

For the last two weeks he's been giving me the cold shoulder. Two weeks ago, I tried to call him, and a friend picked up his phone ... well, he then ran to the Resident head's apartment, where my ... former boyfriend ... was making cup cakes for a Halloween party. Apparently the friend thought I was his brother, of course, right? He obviously couldn't have any male friends calling him could he? Well, anyway, after that, my former boyfriend (Who I refuse to give an alternative name, because that would just feel weird ... deal with it) wrote me a long detailed e-mail which said something to the effect of "DON'T CALL ME."

So, after that, I settled for sending e-mail, which he didn't seem worthy of a response. I really haven't felt so shitty, so awful, so terribly hurt as I did during the past two weeks. It's not so much that he didn't want to talk to me, but that he wouldn't even deign to tell me what the heck was going on. I don't cry often, but I was crying at one point. It sucked. The worst part of it is that I really do understand what his situation is, which I don't really want to go into too much, but he did have SOME justification for what was going on. So it's hard to stay mad.

For example, the friend who picked up the phone? It was his roommate, and I found out recently that the reason that his roommate picked up the phone was because that is his phone number too! I wish I had been told that, I might not have called for trivial stuff, but I only found out after we ... well I'll get to it.

The only way I kept sort-of together was thanks to two REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY great friends. Alison, I know I don't tell you often enough, but I really miss you, and thanks SO much for that half hour you gave me ;-). And another friend who knows who she is.

That brings us to the most recent state of affairs. He wrote me a few days ago FINALLY telling me what was going on. Essentially, he gave the classic break up letter (which I'm not terribly used to RECEIVING!). First he set the scene, "I've been doing a lot of thinking during the past few days. About us and the way things are and where things are going," umm, maybe I should remind him that he took TWO weeks to think? Anyway, then he reaffirmed me: "I think you're a really cool guy, fun, smart, attractive..." at which point I KNEW where this letter was headed. Apparently the whole dorm closet thing was getting to him, and that for right now he just wants to be friends.

Well that's cool, a very standard, "Piss off, I don't like you, go away and leave me alone" letter. Then he gives me these mixed messages in there: "I think things were going a little too fast and that might be why I'm getting all these other mixed feelings.." implying that what he wants to do is just slow down a lot and then try things from square one (A very different message from what he gave before ... right?). Well, I don't honestly know what to make of my own situation right now. I'm just really frustrated and more than a little depressed over the whole thing.

The weird thing is that despite everything, I still like him ... a lot. I don't understand why exactly though, I mean there isn't any one quality that I could say ... Yeah, that's why I like him. In fact the way he's been acting would have been the biggest turn off imaginable had I not been ga-ga over him! <sigh> I mean he's two years older than me, 6'1", cute, good conversationalist, and smart enough to get in here (which for those who don't know, is pretty smart). I think part of the problem is that I would like to be his friend even if he were straight. It just sucks when it seems that somebody you like and care about doesn't seem to like or care about you. But I really wish that I could talk to him at least, I mean e-mail is too damn impersonal when the person doesn't ever reply! Its like talking to a wall.

Well, I refuse to go further into this topic. I was re-reading my last article and I realize that I spent no time talking about anything other than myself, but I really can't think of anything, so I'm stuck. I do know that I've been writing particularly poorly recently. I have been writing bad love poetry, bad stories about gay relationships, and just bad stuff in general. Its depressing that a relationship can screw you over so badly!

Well, I bought my first copy of the voyeuristic thrill we call XY. I've got to say that it was ... interesting. I found the articles actually interesting, but considering the number that are in this issue can be counted on two hands ... I don't know what to say! The pictures are great, I mean what self-respecting guy could not be impressed by the two cute guys making out in a stall at school? Okay, maybe a straight guy, but he would have to be realllllllllllllly straight (most str8 guys I know would admit to finding it a little ... interesting). I don't really know what to make of the magazine, I think you just have to compromise on it. If you want well written articles get the Advocate (which is VERY good for those who have any interest in a good news magazine), but if you only want voyeuristic thrills read Freshmen (which I won't touch with a ten foot pole), otherwise a good compromise is XY. I think for me though, Advocate sound more appealing ... now if they could just make an Advocate with cute guys and Steve Underhill photos ... ?! That would rock. (of course I'm speaking from the male perspective on this one ... )

It is going to snow. To those who don't know anything about me, I'm in Chicago for school, but I'm from Houston ... .the one in Texas. Snow is not unseen in Houston, but its November for God's sake! What's up with that? Okay, granted I came to a school in a state where the wind chill factor has been known to hit the steamy negative 30 degrees. So WHAT!? Okay, I'm being stupid, and I honestly like ice ... on a rink. And sure, you can always put on more clothes, but when it's hot there are only so many pieces you can take off before hitting the indecency range. Okay, all you Yankees are going to kick my butt if I don't shut up now ... so I'm shutting up ... on the topic of snow.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY OASIS! Yeah, you thought I forgot didn't you ... okay yeah, how could I? You've been reminding me repeatedly! Alrighty, Oasis rocks, Jeff (the webmaster for you poor unknowing fools) is awesome. There are so many writers for this mag that it's incredible, I mean it takes minutes to load the page (I'm using a TCP/IP connection too!). If anything, it's growing too. I think it's great that there is such a venue for expressing the ideas and emotions of GLB youth. It is also good to know that there are people who are willing to express their idea and emotions for others. I'm willing just because I like writing and talking in general ... what can I say? Its also good to know that I'm helping somebody in some way.

Okay, that's enough of that. Talk to you all later. As usual, e-mails are more than welcome. Send them to soulseer@cyberdude.com I always reply. Merry Christmas and Happy Thanksgiving.


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