December 1997

"Mmmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm... mmm mmm mmm mmm mmmph"

-- Kenny from Southpark

Oh, how true... I can't really recall any inspirational song quotes or poems like a lot of other people (and most of what I listen to is either electronic or acoustic keeping the choices limited).

Hi. You may remember me from other great back issues such as "October" and "November" (and clicking the 'return' button after the 2nd dense paragraph of standard ranting over my empty life). I'm rather new at this, and I'm still working on topics to try to glorify into something vaguely interesting (no relationships, or "coming out" scenes, or awareness promotion events to cover; still trying to find directions ["sure, NOW you start asking 24 years later!"]). I wonder what the oldest "first romance" record is... explaining that would sure be long and boring... oops, well, too late... never mind. Moving along...

It was at least comforting to find that others were also bothered by the general public's assumption (and the presentation) that "gay" equals "leather-caped militant drag queens from outer space and other dimensions" (cultish reference possibly not intended) or anywhere along the flaming-joe, g.i. jane lineage. I couldn't accept this as being completely true, but I've never before seen it expressed by anyone else (how could you tell by looking?) Much of the feedback to me was basically "just be yourself, damn it!" and others even questioning whether being "fashionably flamboyant" has really anything to do with the rest of the whole bloody issue (but maybe it is just "cool" to be like that in the 90's) Well, people can do what they want, I just wouldn't want to be on the defensive for it. Some of us prefer a bit less stage lighting, I guess (contrary to common expectations). So was "The Birdcage" supposed to be presenting a positive outlook on things ? (I think the public probably got something else from it).

As usual, I didn't try anything new or different this last month (except had the second Big Mac sandwich of my life... still not too crazy about it). I did sneak a look at a copy of "The Advocate" in a public library. Was rather depressing as I must have picked up the AIDS year-in-review issue. Every other page holding a drug add opposite a list of who died that week. Checked a teen 'zine... just acne creams and condom adds. Even through other Oasis articles, seems like a lot of promiscuity goings on. Seen that issue raised elsewhere too, so at least I don't feel alone in wondering if this is all just an excuse to "get off" with everyone. Would prefer to see "gay" defined more as "relationships with others of same sex" than "sex with others of same sex" (personally, I find anything remotely approaching anal sex quite repulsive, but I venture again I may be in the minority [as a male] unless I hear otherwise; of course, what would I know of such things?). I just want to get to know someone else similar on a more personal level (although I do wish there were more Leonardo DiCaprios and Claire Daneses in my neighborhood corner of the world)

I'm not trying to sound as though I'm not ripping on everything or condemning people. I fully believe people should do what they want that doesn't harm others. I just find that a lot of what people say or do in relation to gay-related issues are contrary to what I would consider taking part in and whether "being myself" would further isolate me or whether there are many others that consider these things as separate issues. If anything, let others know there's one more person that thinks this way (however far, or not, it's gotten me).

Meanwhile, I mentioned possibly moving to California last time (still seeing... looking closer, though) but a couple of e-mails questioned my hastiness in such a decision. I should point out that it is strictly for job-related issues (and a bit of recreational too, being closer to a real mega- metropolitan area). The coincidental fact that San Francisco is the gay center of the universe is, for me, essentially irrelevant, although an added amenity (I have driven through Castro and, well... see paragraph above and last month's articles). I would be closer to San Jose than SF anyway, although well within reach. I am hoping that it would also get me into trying new things, probably in other parts of town.

It would be the first time of basically being completely alone, though. While I've been living in my own place for several years, I've pretty much seen the same people daily; comforting, at least. The university atmosphere remained a rather calming sense of security, but now it's time for the "real world". eek... Hope it works out....

Mostly just odd and ends... I look forward to hearing from people and would enjoy exchanging discussion with anyone interested...




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