December 1997

Why should it have to be so hard to be myself?

I like to think I'm comfortable with myself, but I find myself breaking away from anyone who suspects that I might be gay. It is at the point where I think it is time to just drop the facade and come out. So many less worries and regrets...

I wouldn't have to lie to my Mom anymore. That's a big thing for me right now. I lie to her by not telling her the entire truth... and lying is wrong. I even FEEL really deviant and shifty when I have to lie about going to B-GLAD.

I wouldn't have to think about acting "too queer"... The other night at work one of the girls I worked with apparently said to her guy-friend there that I was a "fem" but that it was okay. I didn't really try to defend myself... I mean, hey... It's not like I don't know that I'm a touch on the fem side... but still, to have her say that to her guy-friend -- and then to deny it after he sits there and says it repeatedly. (Yes - I know it'd be a case for sexual harassment... I don't care about it that much to make a deal out of it.)

Okay, so I have a solution: Come out.

My decision has been made and it only comes around to, when? I am a terrible procrastinator. I hope to not procrastinate on this further (after what, 2 years of "meaning to tell them"?)... but I do want to leave it until after the play that I am working on is finished... I want to be there and able to answer questions if my family has them.

But what about public life? What about that guy that I like? What should I do? Get myself a rainbow shirt and just start telling people? I guess I really don't know how.

I was even directly asked by someone in a class the other day wanting to fix me up, "You're into girls, right?" "Right," I said, thrusting my foot into my mouth and mentally ripping myself apart...

Luckily, I'm already out to a very close-knit group of friends from my youth group. These are the people that, even though some are out of state at colleges, I feel they are my closest and most dear friends. When I told them I just kind of went with an ongoing joke concerning our gay pastor, a bus, and turtlenecks... (I'll expound on this some other time...) and that was just kind of it. We were away on a conference and I was free to be me for a nice few days... then we went home. Back to the same scenario, however now with a few more solid shoulders to lean on.

This situation is different. This is telling people I hardly know and ALSO telling those who think they know me best.

The truth is, when I tell my family their reality of what I am will just kind of melt away. I have the great feeling to know that my parents really wouldn't care about my being gay, but will care more of my lies told (to be able to keep my sanity and have a small bit of a gay lifestyle). They've shown me that they are gay-friendly by openly making fun of the low-life living near us that make bigoted comments. SO WHAT'S KEEPING ME FROM TELLING THEM?

Procrastination. Why deal with something now when you can put it off for a few more weeks?

Thus ends my first article -- I hope it has been food for thought. If not, just hang with me a few months. Suggestions more than welcome at chris_bkstage@geocities.com. If you know me or see me -- smile, wink, whatever... just let me come out after I've waited as long as I can. (just kidding - I SHALL win over procrastination... really...)

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