Ahhh...December. It can mean so many things to people. Let's keep it short. For we college students who don't really have the time to get home on a weekly basis, December is a time to finally see family and some friends.
I'M SCARED TO GO HOME!!!
Why? Don't get me wrong. I'm looking forward to getting some real food into my stomach. I'm looking forward to seeing my sister, brother, and niece. Hey, I can't wait to check out my old hangouts.
So what am I scared of? Where should I start?
How about with my father? I have to admit that now that we're not under the same roof, my dad and I get along great. I can make my own decisions at college. If I want to go for a walk at 3 in the morning (a rare thing, mind you), I can just go. If I did that at home, I could except my dad to be waiting up asking where I went, who I met, and why I left. I like that he cares (it doesn't seem like it at the time), but my life is my own business. As soon as I walk through the door, I'll be under lock and key until New Year's. It's something that I'm not looking forward to, along with the arguments with my dad who's as stubborn as I am.
What else am I scared of? Well, before I left the closet little town of Pine Bluff for my bigger (but flexible) closet in Jonesboro, I was having problems with someone who is very important to me. He's not my best friend, but he's not just a friend either. Way back before I came out to myself, I felt something for...let's call him Matt. I thought it was just genuine friendship and became good friends. God, he helped me through some very rough times and I stuck by him no matter what.
I realized I cared for Matt when I thought he was deathly sick (it was really food poisoning, but I tend to jump to conclusions too soon.) Being like my dad, I'm stubborn about how I feel about people. Naturally, I was stubborn for my feelings about Matt. Funny how love can open a person's eyes.
Did I tell Matt how I felt?? Yes, I did. By that time, Matt already knew about me being bi. Things got a little weird. We acted like I never told him how I felt. Still, Matt seem to try to get my attention more than he did before I told him how I felt. Then he completely changed the week we went to our separate colleges (mine in Jonesboro, AR and his somewhere in Hawaii.). Once where Matt was this shy guy who rarely said anything to me, there was this guy who wanted to know everything about where I was going. Once when he was afraid to look me in the eye, Matt would look directly at me. It was so strange. He went through some metamorphosis and now I seem to be the guy he wanted to spend time with or talk to. The last week was definitely the longest time I ever had conversations (with or without telephone) with him.
And all that was about four months ago, but it seems like six months. There were just so many things Matt did those last few weeks that put any doubts I had whether he was gay/bi/straight was put to rest. The question is: does he really love me as much as I love him? I never asked him because if he was in love with me he wasn't really ready to admit it. This question has haunted me for some time now, and I would like to know if I stand a chance.
Finally (sorry for the semi-side track), there's the thought of going home again in general. Not just going back to my parents' home. I mean going back to Pine Bluff. To have to jump back into the closet. Then again, I act the same way around my parents that I act around my friends here in Jonesboro (okay, I'm a little over the top with my parents). Still my hometown, friends don't know anything, and I'm bound to run into them. I feel uncomfortable lying to them.
Why did I just write the above paragraphs? At the time, I was taking a much-needed break from College Algebra (a story for another day). Basically, I'm just scared. I never used to be one of those "live in the moment" type of guys. I try to do that more now, but my past just keeps getting in the way. I'm just sick of it! Maybe it's time to live in the moment to the fullest extent I can and don't let my past hold me back.
Sounds like a good idea to me. In fact, it could be a New Year's resolution...
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Until next time, God bless.