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Paul Pellerito

December 1997

Reflections

This is not an issue column.

In the past I've written columns surrounding the issues. General gay interest to most people stuff. Well, this quite simply is not one of those columns.

Let's make this column about regret, anguish, moving on, and all those other things us teens are so darn good at.

First: a poem...

"September Night or To Jason; please don't cry."

He was great to talk to.
Intellectual, funny, even charming.
He found me one night,
When my body was starving.

I let myself give in,
Even though it wasn't what I really wanted.
It was what I needed:
another person
another presence
an old feeling.
Even though it wasn't what I really wanted.

It's hard to say "forgive me".
Even to someone so charming.
I found myself again one night,
When my mind was starving.
I let my heart give in,
And found what I wanted.
Now all that I need:
another person
another mind
a new beginning.
All because of what I never wanted.

Second: a little musing.

The spawn of what happened that night (which I will only elaborate on through the vagueness of that poem) was a thought that perhaps it's best not to be in a relationship with anyone, and that I'd rather just get to know certain people as friends, that way I'm certain not to miss out on a person.

And now, I'm taking the liberty to recant all the things I've mentioned about desperately needing someone, and so forth. That's how I felt then, but I simply don't feel lonely anymore.

Granted, it is hard to see your friends fall in love around you and not have anyone, but I'm over that. It's a part of my life that's been there for years, and I've accepted it as such. I have all these great friends who are there, both gay and not, and I'm happy being a bachelor, at least right now. Of course, I do have offers here and there, and I guess you could say that I am dating, because I'll go out with new people every now and then. So I'm happy. I've reached a crossroads in my life, just as I'm about to reach another.

College. Joy. I dumped the idea of leaving Grand Rapids for college, if not for good, and decided to go to a local university for at least two years while I figure out my course of study. All my friends are here, and I think to leave a support system that I've had for nearly three years wouldn't be the best thing for my studies. I'm looking forward to meeting more people, but I don't want to leave those that I already know well behind. Grand Rapids, as conservative as it is, will always be my home.

I want to write. Pulitzer prize stuff. I don't want to write commercial crap like Michael Crichton or Goosebumps or anything like that, but good quality stuff that makes people take a look at themselves and others around them. I love Felice Picano. Stuff that makes you fall in love with a character, cry for him when you die, and laugh at yourself for doing so. I want to make people feel.

But I also need to eat. I need to support myself while I write. I'd love a paying magazine column, or even a decent job working for a gay organization. I've even considered teaching high school. I guess figuring out what you want to do with your life is what college is for.

I want to wish everyone a happy Solstice, merry Christmas, happy Chanukah, joyous Kwanza, or whatever you celebrate this time of year. I personally will be lighting my Advent candles and burning another candle all day during the Solstice.

I believe the explanation of that requires another column.

See you next month.


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