December 1997

When I was younger, I noticed my Uncle Jack didn't have girlfriends like my other uncles did. He would have friends over, but always male "friends". As I got older, and the word "homosexual" had a meaning to me, I realized Uncle Jack was "gay". To me, this meant realizing that I was going to have to deal with something I never had to before. I was eleven at the time.

When I was twelve, I began meeting people who already knew their sexuality -- most of my friends at the time were older. When I hit thirteen, I had a realization about myself -- I found myself attracted to both guys and girls. When I admitted it to myself, I also found myself admitting it to some of my best friends-- thus began my "coming out".

To be honest, every friend that matters to me knows. None of my relatives do however, but that's because I've never felt close to my family...the less they know about my social life, the better. My parents still don't know I date.

To be even more honest, I'm scared. Horrified, actually. Not of myself, and not of my friends, nor of my attractions -- not any of these things. I'm scared that I'm wandering into a world that's not even close to being able to accept its differences and move on. It's funny, almost...at least to me. In no other part of my life do I need acceptance more than I do here.

Maybe it's because I feel like I hurt more, although I probably don't. Maybe it's because I'm self-righteous, although that's never been the problem before. Maybe it's because I have low self-esteem. Now if my friends saw that I wrote that, they may do a double-take. Probably because I tend to put on a big act of being over-confident, egotistical -- but I know it's just to cover up insecurities.

Well, that's really all I'll go into...I've already covered my outing of myself...Perhaps I'll write again to reveal a bit more of myself with the world.

It really is funny...I all of a sudden feel relieved, like I never have before.


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