My business is words. Words are like labels, or coins, or better, like swarming bees. I confess I am only broken by the sources of things; as if words were counted like dead bees in the attic, unbuckled from their yellow eyes and their dry wings. I must always forget how one word is able to pick out another, to manner another, until I have to got something I might have said... but did not. - Anne Sexton, "Said the poet to the analyst"
I really wonder how much leeway I've actually made this past year in Oasis.
You see, I started out, pretty freaked out, and needing to rage. That is gone now. Rage is not a word that I like to use or embody in myself.
What did I do then, that I still do:
I guess there is a fundamental difference in all of it.
I'm learning to understand. When I first started writing for Oasis, I didn't like myself very much. I didn't like all my parts, or even know them. I dared, over the summer, to learn all my parts. Then I learned that one must try to remember to laugh sometimes. Then I accepted that I know who I am. That I will grow. Still. I will learn more about myself, certain aspects of myself with develop or diminish, to better myself and my understanding.
I've learned that I want to go to art school, and take a year off from academics.
I've learned to understand my voice, my muse and how to manipulate it. I have done photos, installations, conceptual work, Web design, and all sorts of venues for myself. I'm learning to open my mouth and say something worthwhile. Though I still love to vent.
I'm learning to love my body. This weekend, I went and did nude photos. A friend of mine took photos of me out in the snow. It was liberating to be naked, in the day, outside, with someone who is not going to be end up in my bed. It was nice.
I've learned that there are people who care. I've learned that there are people out there who do think like I do, there are people out there whom I can touch. Without ever even knowing them. That is what blows my mind the most.
I've learned to not take myself so seriously.
I've learned to be patient. I've learned that even though I am only 21, I have a lot to learn, and I can wait to learn. I used to not live past the age of 40. Now I can live with 50.