I have been writing and rewriting this trying to make it perfect but I guess it never will be. I just want to tell you what Oasis means to me. I am 11 years old. When you read this I will be 12. Last year at my school a boy killed himself. He was 13. Nobody knows why he did it but I figured his time just ran out. I did a lot of reading after it happened and learned that something like 2/3 of kids who kill themselves do it because they are gay or think they might be gay. I've been having a hard time lately because a couple of months ago I figured out I might be gay. There are a lot of people out there who would probably like to beat me up or tell me I'm going to hell, but I am really here just because I don't want my time to run out.
In real life I am really very shy so this is hard for me to write about, but since nobody can find out who I am online I decided it's okay to tell you this: I didn't know a thing about sex until I went camping last summer and ended up sucking penises with another boy. Since then I have tried to learn everything I can about sex and I think I might be gay. I haven't started puberty and I don't masterbate but I know I like boys. That's something I know for sure. Its kind of hard not to notice when you feel that way if you are a boy because a certain part of your body lets you know.
My parents are what you call conservative Christians and they believe homosexuals are sick and going to Hell. I guess I used to believe that too. If I told them what I just wrote I'd get shipped off to a psychiatrist to straighten me out. I don't know what I believe about God anymore. I get depressed about that a lot. If I am gay I didn't choose it and I don't want to be part of a religion that says I have to go to Hell for it. But I don't get to choose the rules for God. Or maybe there is no God. There are a lot of things I just don't know, just like I didn't know anything about sex until last summer and just like I don't know for sure how I feel about maybe being gay.
And this is where Oasis comes in. I have been trying to learn something about being gay that didn't come from my parents or church and I found things on AOL and the Internet like Oasis that were cool. I e mailed someone who writes for Oasis and he talked me into writing this. He has been very nice and helpful and we have become e-mail friends. He has really helped me keep from running out of time. I am pretty sure I would have killed myself by now if not for the internet.
I am trying to understand myself and not let anyone else know I am thinking I might be gay. I would get the crap kicked out of me everyday at my school even though I now know that there must be other guys like me there. Yes there is a school policy about sexual harassment and girls have used it but I have never seen anyone get in trouble for saying "You fag" or "That's so gay" or a lot of other stuff.
Thats about all I wanted to say, but I hope anyone out there who is gay or not sure will find an oasis at Oasis.
I have been writing for Oasis, for 3 months now, and I can say that I have loved it every day. The slogan "Oasis.... Because it's a desert out there." is so true i don't think that there is a better place for kids to go on the web. To me, it provides info, laughs, tears, and much more that cant be described. I have gotten the most from the feature columns, because there, I can learn that I am NOT alone, no matter what I think, sometimes I am on my own in my room, and I think, "why me? why do I have to be the different one. Why do my parents hate me for who I am?" and then i go to Oasis, and I see that I am not the only one with difficulties, with growing up gay.
If it wasn't for Oasis, to give me somewhere to vent my feelings and problems, I dont know what I would be doing, I get so much email from other people, giving support and advice, and offering to "just be there." And "just having someone there" gives me more reason to go on with each day in my life.
When I am at school and I hear someone say "faggot" or "that's so gay" not just from classmates but teachers as well, i just think, " why do i bother?" and then I realize that, there is going to be email, from someone, somewhere.
Oasis, is a gift from god, he is showing to us that being just who we are, is not wrong. I have learned many things throughout my life, but the one thing that sticks out the most to me is this:
Be who you are, you can NEVER live a lie, because if you do, you will NEVER be happy. Just be who you are and do what you want to do. The only people who should mean anything to you are your friends and family, if they dont accept who you are, the dont waste your time with them. There ARE people who care about you, care about WHO you are not what you are.
Peace and take care