By Nir Leffler

There were days that were more torturing than others. But it was always the same kind of torture. Walking through these crowded corridors full of girls and boys running, talking, shouting and laughing. The same corridors that for me looked gloomy and depressing. Especially seeing him. That was the most depressing part of the breaks. Depressing because he was so beautiful, so amazing, cute and sweet and everything. But all these thoughts were really pointless, because they were just dreams, dreams that will never come true. He isn't like that, no one is like that except me, especially real people, that I see and talk to. Especially cute people which I dream of.

They just can't be gay. Such good things would never happen to me. Dreams never come true, at least not for me. Everyone has a girlfriend or a boyfriend, except me, But that is expected because I'm like this, and I'll never have one either. One of my friends told me once that everyone has problems in life, everyone but me (that was after he broke up with his girlfriend). People really think that my life is perfect. Good student, doesn't have problems with his parents... If they only knew. But they don't and I'm not going to tell them, I don't think I can tell anyone.

It was another day like that. A hot day of mid-winter (the winters here are usually not very cold, sometimes even hot and usually come late). I walked down the hall to the cooler to drink water. It was the beginning of the sixth hour, and because my English teacher didn't come that day, I didn't have anything to do. The hall was totally empty, everyone was in class and most people from my English class were either in the library or near the gym (I wasn't there. I hate sports and had nothing to do in the library). And then I saw him. walking to the cooler from the opposite side of the corridor, looking cute as always. A green T-shirt and black jeans. He wasn't really tall, had brown hair blue-gray eyes and beautiful face. All of him was beautiful. I wanted to talk to him so much, hug him, maybe even more. But I couldn't. I barely knew him. I fantasized about him days and nights. scanning the corridor every break, looking for him with my eyes, and locking them on him, just looking, and dreaming.

I stood behind him as he drank, watching him. Red lips wet from water, hair falling over the eyes and getting wet as water sprinkles hit it. He drank for a long time and I was enjoying every minute. Suddenly he finished drinking and turned around standing in front of me, wiping with one hand the water from his lips. I flinched back the first moment, like I've done something that was really wrong, and just wanted to disappear from his site, but I was very thirsty also and he just stood there blocking the way to the cooler his eyes shining, staring right into mine. So I stood there paralyzed for few seconds, not able to speak, until finally I told him "Can you please move away so I can drink" He didn't move, and then asked me "Why are you always looking at me ?" He had a beautiful voice. I heard the question and my heart sank. He noticed. I was so hoping he won't notice me always looking at him on breaks, scanning the corridor just to catch a glimpse of him. But now he would probably begin talking with people about me, telling them I'm gay.

I just wanted the floor to open up and swallow me. So I denied "What are you talking about, I never look at you" "Yes, you are. I see you, every day. and now don't tell me you haven't stood here behind me looking at me while I drank water. Just tell me why." Denial didn't help, now plan B.

"I don't know what you are talking about," I told him, turned around and began walking away, fast. He ran after me and grabbed my shoulder. "Wait. Just a second. I won't do anything to you. Just... just tell me, are you like, you know, gay?" He asked that in a whisper and my face became hot and turned very red. "No way" I told him and wanted to run away but something stopped me.

"I thought you were," he said, "pity," and now he began to turn red. "Are you... you know ?" "Y... Yes, but don't tell anyone. It just... when I saw you looking at me like that all the time I thought. . . But I guess I just imagined, just dreaming"

I just stood there, stoned, shocked. "So, you are really gay?" "Yes" "Wow. I. . . I, I"

I didn't had any words, they all just disappeared. "I was really looking at you, and dreaming about you, but I never believed that you are gay. and even if you are, I never believed you'd want me"

"Why?" he asked.

"I don't know now. Because you are so beautiful and stunning, and. . . " I really didn't know what to say anymore.

"Why haven't you told me before?"

"I was scared, that you'll tell someone, you know... "

"Come on," he told me and begun to drag me.


"Just come," and he began to run with me following him, and then he entered the toilets and I went in after him.

It was empty and quiet. He stood there, at the center and took his both arms and held my head and my lips got closer to his. My fingers sunk into his soft, warm hair, and then his lips touched mine. I gazed into his eyes and saw nothing but the beautiful blue-gray that was there. And then when the two tongues met, and we both hugged and held one another, The world just blew up and disappeared, and nothing existed except me, and him, and the lips and tongues, and the warm, and touch. Everything was so beautiful and pure and I loved him; and he loved me.

The bell disrupted us after ten minutes and we ran away from there. We found some empty dark corner of school, where no one could find us, and just talked. But you can't really talk much during five minutes of break. When the bell rang again, we had to break up and get back to class. Of course, I couldn't concentrate on the lesson. Only my body was in the class, not my mind. I just dreamed about the kiss, over and over again, and all the kisses that will come later. Well, dreams do come true. I wish.

Nir, is a 17-year-old high school student in a city near Tel-Aviv. He can be reached at nirl@star.net.il

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