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A.J.

January 1998

On the past year:

Happy new year everybody. Well I made it through my first quarter at UC. I am, for the first time in three months, writing at home. The past year has really been in-credible, I discovered myself and, through my interactions with others, I have be-come a better, more beautiful person. For that I am proud . . . it has been a good year.

1997 represents my year of self-discovery. I had my first sexual experience with a member of the opposite gender, and my first and second boyfriends (more about that later). I got into a great college, I graduated from high school (aka hell hole), and I discovered that I was/am/ever shall be bisexual. I faced myself and some of the repercussions of my sexual orientation.

More than anything, as a result of things that I did during the past year, I am now happy. Overall, I am happy with my life and my situation.

My present relationship soap opera:

I wish I could get over Hazel, who for those who are new to Oasis, was my first boyfriend (ie my first X-boyfriend). He can't even stay in the same room with me anymore, and I am left with this weird empty feeling in my chest cavity. I went over to his house (the dorms are split into houses, each with about 50 people in it) to see a friend, and when we came in to the lounge, he said he had to pack and left. I know I'm being pathetic and stupid, but I really liked him.

It's like I know all the stuff that anybody could possibly tell me about this, and I'm telling it to myself at the same time, but it is SOO much easier to give advice than take it. I know I need to forget about this guy and go on with my life. I know I need to get a life, and I have one, but I .. .. .. ..shoot, forget it.

I could honestly live with the whole weird situation with Hazel, but he isn't the real issue at this point. I have found somebody else. If I were to continue using the eye color of my boyfriends as identifiers, I'd be left in a predicament here...I mean my present guy's eye color changes in different light...so lets call him...JB, his ini-tials.

JB is absolutely cool. He is also out (remember I'm closeted). Ouch, right? Well, not really, he's really understanding and sweet and is willing to be closeted when he's over at my place. Unfortunately...or fortunately if you prefer...I am sorta com-pletely recognized as his boyfriend on his floor...which means that about 30 people have full reason to think that I'm not entirely straight. And, 4 or 5 are well aware of my sexual orientation. The strange thing is that his dorm is sort of like another world for me, and I really don't mind. And I honestly haven't had any problem with it..YET.

JB and I have done a lot of stuff together, much of which I don't want to go into too much detail about. But he's spent the night about 5 times, and I've slept over at his place once. I swear I feel closer to this guy than I could imagine I could be within a couple of weeks with anybody.

The problem is that when I am with him, I will occasionally think of Hazel. I am not going to enter a relationship with somebody if I can't treat them the way they deserve. I really care about JB, and he doesn't deserve to have his boyfriend think-ing about somebody else while kissing him. This vacation is hopefully going to clear my head to the point where I can either a) let Hazel go from my mind, or b) let JB go to find somebody who can treat him like he deserves. I don't want to loose JB, he is just such an incredible guy, which is exactly why I am more willing to let him go than treat him like crap.

RENT:

If you have access to seeing RENT, GO SEE IT. I had to give up listening to Sister Hazel after I realized that now I can't listen to them without thinking of Ha-zel.. ..so now I'm listening to Rent. I saw them with my friend.. ..my best friend.. ..who I think I'll call, Ester (type of alcohol), after an interesting drinking experi-ence. Well Ester and I went and rushed Rent at the Shubert Theater in Chicago. The cast was incredible, and were all really cool and willing to talk to actually hang out with the audience. The show was just totally incredible. There isn't any way to describe it properly, but it is really the best musical I've ever seen, and I've seen a few.

Friends:

Ester and I have become really close, and I am really happy that she and I found each other. I never realized how much I needed somebody to talk to about every-thing. Its really important to have somebody you can trust completely, and I realize now that my journal was just totally inadequate for me. When stuff is really hap-pening, i.e. not just in my mind, its really nice to have a real person to talk to.

I went to her house for Thanksgiving. I met a really good friend of hers, named well...Joker. Joker because his face looks like the Joker's when he smiles. He drove down with us, and the second I saw him, I was like, "You my friend are SO gay." I flirted so obviously with him the whole time I was with him, and he flirted back, but it was like sparring. He left convinced that I was just a very comfortable straight guy. I talked to him over AOL and essentially told him, and he started to kick himself. I thought that was really funny. He's coming over for the first week of our classes at Chicago, because he is contemplating transferring from where he is now. I am really excited about him coming, because he is such a cool guy. I don't know what the social dynamic is going to be, but I think it will be cool. I got him a better Christmas present than I got anybody I know...except maybe Ester, but then again all of that is relative to tastes. I can't think of anything to get JB, but Joker is easy to shop for.

Going Nuts:

I realize now that I am home, I can't stand it. I really love my family, don't get me wrong, but I am about to kill somebody! I haven't had a headache since I left Houston, but since I got back I've got this throb behind my temples that just won't go away! I am already counting down the days to going back home. What's strange is that it seems that my parents had saved up all the yelling and screaming over the entire three and a half month period, to give to me in condensed form over the next 2 and a half weeks! I have decided to stay in Chicago over Spring intersession. I don't know, maybe its just that I'm being obnoxious, but I don't think so. It is hardly any wonder that I am so much happier at school than at home, its such low stress by comparison! I also realized that this past Saturday night is the first Satur-day night I've spent alone in my room in the last three and a half months! In fact, I haven't spent entire nights alone in that entire period, I've always had somebody to talk to or hang out with or Hazel or JB. I never thought I was isolated when I was at home, but I realize that compared to dorm life, I really am in the boonies!

Well its been a really long article this time, and for that I apologize. Remember to write me with your comments (its really the only way I know anybody is reading this...) at soulseer@cyberdude.com .

"I gotta get out of here! It's like I'm
Being tied to the hood of a yellow
Rental truck, being packed in with
Fertilizer and fuel oil, pushed over a
Cliff by a suicidal Mickey Mouse!-I've
Gotta (gotta, gotta gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta, <breath>, gotta, gotta, gotta) find a way!"
-Maureen, "Over the Moon", Rent Act One

See Y'all next Month.


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