I realized after reading over my first two columns that I probably sounded quite self-absorbed. I talked all about me. I suppose part of my reason for doing that is because I really don't feel like I have a lot of people to talk to about my sexual identity issues. Another part might just be the fact that writing for Oasis is still new to me. But I don't want to take the opportunity for granted! I'm still probably going to ramble on as per usual, so bear with me here.
Happy New Year
By the time that you read this, it will be January. I wish that I could start the year off with everything figured out, but I don't see that happening. I don't really go for New Year's resolutions either. I end up breaking them anyway, so what's the point of it? Therefore now I just try to think about the changes that I'd like to make in the next year.
First though I should wish a happy belated birthday to Oasis. I know, most people gave their wishes last month. Chalk it up to self-absorption. Or maybe it's just that I had written this column and sent it off before I remembered. Anyway, since the first issue that I read Oasis has been a wonderful and inspiring resource and I'm sure as it grows it will continue to be. Congratulations to Jeff and all of the staff.
Back to your regularly scheduled program. I want to decide what to do with my life. I know that I haven't gotten into this aspect yet, but right now I'm not doing much of anything. I have 2 1/2 years of college behind me, but I stopped because I didn't know what I wanted to go for. I think of things, but then I don't seem to have to confidence to carry through with them. I'll consider a major and look at the re-quirements, and then think "I couldn't pass those classes". Maybe what I need to work at is self-confidence more than anything.
Of course what pertains most to Oasis is my desire to figure out if I am bisexual. I keep thinking more and more that I am. It's not just because I find women attrac-tive, it's not just sexual, it's not a phase. I don't think. I wonder sometimes if I'm just saying bi-curious or "possibly bi" to soften the impact. The impact on whom? Well, I wouldn't tell my parents probably. I don't really feel like it has anything to do with them. I think it's different because I'm married and I don't talk about much of my personal life with them anyway.
My friends? I don't think it'd change how any of them feel about me. My hus-band? He knows all about it already. Probably it'd be...me. I'm the one that wants to soften the impact to myself. Does that make sense? Maybe it's a denial thing, something I don't want to admit. But why would that be...I don't think I'd hate my-self for it. See how mixed up I am?
Quest For A Pen Pal
And that leads me to another thing. In my quest to find people like me to talk to, I've been placing personal ads on the internet. How difficult could it be, right? There must be another confused chick out there. Well, I haven't found her just yet. I've gotten a lot of responses including phone numbers. Why do they assume that either a) I want sex or b) we can suddenly be best friends and call each other before even one e-mail? Maybe other people work that way, but I don't. Another problem is that they're married but their husbands don't know, so "we'll have to be discreet". If you're going to be dishonest with your husband, you're probably not going to be honest with me. And as we all know, honesty is the best policy.
I've also gotten lots of answers from guys. "I know I'm not what you asked for but..." Well, no, you're not. It's not like I don't want to talk to any guys, but I placed the ad specifically for a woman. So why would you write me? It makes no sense. I know that there are great people out there on the internet, because I've met some and call them my closest friends. Of course I wasn't looking for any of them, it just sort of happened. This is the first time that I'm really actively trying to find a friend and it seems damn near impossible. Oh well, I guess good things come to those who wait. I'm just full of proverbs today apparently.
Best wishes for a happy 1998 to all of you, may you always be true to yourself,