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John

January 1998

Hey, this is "John" I'll reveal a little more info. Brown-hair, blue-eyes. I have an okay family which does not know I'm gay but will be freaked if they ever find out. I play a few sports but I like tennis and track. And I'm in band and play a dumb instrument to which only one other person plays. Today I'll share with you the very moment I realized......

OH SHIT (sorry) I'm GAY

I will now take you to step one when there were many clues that help me come to the conclusion that I was the odd one out of many other guys.

STEP 1: My mom would talk to a relative and say, "Oh, yeah, well, he's thirteen and that's the age to where he'll be wrapped on all the girls."

Now... when that happened I just figured I was late in puberty or something or maybe none of the girls were attractive. Ha ha. Well, that wasn't the answer.

STEP 2: I'd have sleepovers with other guys and well, my dad had an old Playboy. We'd all gather around. Everyone's face was filled with awe. Except me, of course.

I knew what homosexuality was but never associated it with me. I just figured I was late with the girls. Also, I had it with those father and son moments when he pats your back and asks how you're treating the girls. I wish I could of seen his reaction when I would have then said, "How about the guys." But instead I'd pull the old modest look and say, "Oh um.. fine." and act all embarrassed.

STEP 3; My sister has those dumb girl magazines and she'd ask me which girl looked more attractive from a guy's point of view and I'd just guess and point to one.

Which brings me to the band trip where I figured it all out. I played an odd instrument, remember? I had to go on a band trip to a college to play. We had to stay 2 nights in a dorm room with someone else.

Since I was a freshman from a private catholic school, and now went to a public high school, I really didn't know anyone. So I roomed with a sophomore and we planned on bringing food and having fun and stuff. So we got to the room and didn't have all that much to talk about...until he asked me a sort of sick question to which no one likes to admit to. He asked, "Do you like to masturbate?"

I had an answer, but answered, "I don't know."

"I do," he answered.

I was shocked that he admitted it so quickly. He then looked at me and asked

"Who do you think about when you do it or if you did who would you think about?"

I had no answer. It wasn't girls -- Who was it?

"I don't know," I answered.

The he turned the whole conversation around and asked, "Are you against gay people?"

I didn't understand what he was asking until it hit me like a slap in the face ... OH SHIT, I'M GAY.

I replied, "No, but I don't know any."

He paused and thought a minute and said, "I think I'm gay."

AHHH.... I was overthrown with an urge to yell "I am too." But I asked, "How can you tell?"

He calmly said, "Well, I've never been attracted to girls but I like guys."

I felt sympathy for him and just admitted it to myself and to him. I said, "I know how you feel, I think I'm gay too."

Well that's my deep and odd discovery that has changed my life. It still seems weird each time I tell myself that I'm gay.

Family depression ... I guess.

I was sort of depressed a little while picking out a Christmas tree and decorating it with my parents and sister. My parents thought I was in a bad mood because I wasn't as into it as I usually would be. I was sort of thinking of the future and I know that when I get older I won't have a very good relationship with my family and this holiday and others may just be some of the last times with them. I don't know if that's how it will be but I think that when I tell them it will dramatically change my life forever.

Ellen

We all have heard about the actress on TV. At school I was doing a report on cults for a class. I needed to check out a magazine, so I looked it up and found a time magazine. It happened to have Ellen on the front of it. When I walked to the table to where I was sitting with it about ten people said that lady is soooo gross. Why are you reading that? Ugh.. Its annoying to hear theses comments all around but I guess we just have to learn to live with them or have people learn to live with us.

Please write. I really want mail. Don't be afraid to comment at Kv6009@hotmail.com

Thanks Oasis and friends.


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