Miguel Solana

January 1998

December, what a month, not only for what is usually celebrated, it has many meanings for me now. And as I grow up more, it has even more every time I think about it... This December 31st, as well, as I turned 17 (by the time you are going to be reading this), it will have been my first year out to my family.

When I think about this now, I guess every second is kept carved in my mind, as if it had been yesterday. It has been one of the hardest things in my life, just the fact to open up myself to my family with as important an issue as my sexuality, and how it will deal with me along my future. I think everybody accepted it except my dad, he still thinks he can change the world. He wonders about me, as he always dreamt his boy would be; OK, maybe -- well, for sure -- I don't fit what his dreams are/were about, but I'm still his son as from the very beginning...

Once I heard at school, from some classmates, that they would kill their sons if they'd get to know that they were gay. I was just listening, so I got thinking that maybe my dad once said that as a joke, but suddenly one year ago, he had to face that his boy is gay, can he kill him? No, I don't think so, but maybe those words once passed through our parents' minds, and now they have to deal with what gay means for sure. They will have to struggle with themselves to realize that there is no fault here. We're just one thing on this Earth living and trying to be happy.

During this year, I learned a lot from me, from what other people have shown me what I am for them, from the results of being a bit more objective about myself, from living many new things I never though I would, from meeting people that in very different ways showed me something; this year being able to start opening for first time in my life a bit what are the feelings going on to people I really care, made a huge difference. It made the cold-hearted guy live the deepest things inside him, so growing may have been the constant this year, one -- if not the most -- transcendental years for me, the one that set the new range of opportunities and choices to walk further.

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