February 1998

There are a lot of things that I want to say this month. It's funny how when you have a lot to say, it's so hard to write. I'm glad you decided to stop by my column this month, I appreciate it. Before I write though, remember that the writers for Oasis are writing because they want to help each other and other people out. If you see something in an article that you like, SAY SOMETHING to the author! They really don't have any other way of knowing that their time is not going to waste. <yes, that does apply to me too... but I am going to write anyway.>. Now, where to start? There is so much to say... now I'm getting repetitive... okay here goes:


JB <my second boyfriend at UC... and in general> and I broke up on the Sunday we got back. I was really expecting it, but I feel really sad about it nonetheless. I went into the relationship while I was still hung up on Hazel, and I used that and an excuse to why I wasn't too romantically inclined to JB. The bottom line of the matter however is that I extended a friendship with a really cool guy, to something more, essentially out of desperation for somebody to sleep in my bed! That's totally not the way I want to be. As usual however, hindsight is 20/20. Thankfully, both JB and I like each other, and we are now really good friends. Its nice when breakups work out... and when you say "Let's Just Be Friends" it means that... speaking of which...


The boy is as confusing as ever. I really like him, but I guess anybody who read my last two articles could tell. Thankfully, however, I've gotten over him. After only a month and a half, I am not thinking of him continuously. <Hey, I'm an Aries, I fell in love with the guy. So sue me!>.

The integral part of being able to do that, was talking to him over winter break... don't you love the Internet? I got a lot of things cleared up, and got the sense that it was OVER. Hazel isn't the best communicator in the world, and was unwilling to directly tell me it was over. The way he wrote the letter, sort of implied that maybe he wanted to get back together after a little while. In general, it was a very badly written breakup letter. Which reminds me: People, if you are going to break up, DON'T USE E-MAIL TO DO IT! Its really bad taste.

A problem that has arisen is that he is finally being civil again, by which I mean he is talking to me and my best friend (who I told everything about our relationship to... EVERYTHING). She was surprised that he was communicating with her. Now onto the problem part of it. I don't know the motivation for doing that. I HOPE it's to be friends (like he said he wanted to be), but I don't know. The problem part of it, is that I started asking myself (theoretically of course), if he wanted to get back together, would I? I have been telling myself that I wouldn't, and I sort of believe that, but there is a serious disparity between objective and reality. IE: I don't know what I'll do if I'm put in a position where I have to make that choice. I can't forget the feeling of euphoria I had while I was going out with Hazel (two weeks)... ever. For that memory, was it was really worth 3 times that period of time in depression? I don't know... and therefore I've shelving it, and going on the faith that it's just him realizing that he doesn't have any queer friends, and it might be nice to have one. Especially me, who is about the out-est closet-case there can be.

{Additional: I think Hazel and I might be becoming friends again. I don't know what his motivations are, but I am glad for them anyway. I really hate the idea that I could have misjudged somebody so wildly, and I am really glad that I didn't totally botch it. He really is a good guy, just really nervous and confused. You can't help but like him. No, that doesn't mean I'm falling for him again, as a matter of fact I have somebody else right now...more on that in a later Oasis column...once I get a sense of what's going on for sure. Anyway, back to the article.}


Joker came. Joker was a pain. Joker set himself up in the corridor of my room, between my bed and the wall, so I couldn't get into the free area in the room, or walk around. Joker made my life miserable, because he still has a monster crush on me, and I was as mean to him throughout his stay as I could handle. He still likes me. I don't know what to do. The guy is in Baltimore, and he needs to get out more! I know his friends read this, so PLEASE find him a boyfriend! He's a cool guy, and deserves somebody accessible. That is definitely not me. Thanks to him however, my best friend had to sit through the coldest day of the year, waiting for Rent tickets (from 5:45am). Joker wanted to see Rent really badly, and the days that we were able to go, the line was full, so Saturday was the day we ended up going. JB and I went later (9:45am). He and I went to see Titanic (our movie... I kissed him for the first time to the video of that Celine Dion song). We held hands throughout it, it was very sweet (yes, we had broken up before then... but hey, its Titanic!). We realized that it was going to be hellish in the morning, and had TRIED to tell my best friend and Joker to be careful (a letter on my friend's message board)... they of course didn't understand how serious I was. We saw the matinee, and got to see Anthony Rapp of the New York cast (ie: original cast).

{My best friend and I saw Rent again on the 21st. Talked to Anthony Rapp at our school, which was really really cool.}


I went to the University of Chicago Bisexual Union meeting. It was okay. There were four people there (other than myself). They were all really nice, but all out of college. I felt really awkward. I was the topic of conversation, so we discussed coming out and general stuff. I don't know if I'll ever go to another one, but it was worth the time I spent there. The major reason I wouldn't go to too many of the meetings, is not that I'm nervous about them knowing that I'm bi, but rather that its such a trek to get to wherever they are holding the meeting! They have them in member's apartments, and that is really inconvenient, because it means a long walk... and its cold outside.


Next stop is Queers and Associates. They are apparently having a really cool discussion on Tuesday, and I definitely want to attend. Its on the mainstreaming of gay culture. If I remember, I'll talk about it next month.

{I guess I could talk about the meeting now, but it was interesting, and I need SOMETHING for next month...}


WHERE on earth can I find a copy of XY11! I have been to the Border's on Michigan avenue 3 times looking for it, and its been obviously out each time I was there. I ordered back issues... but they have yet to arrive... although I was billed for them over a month ago! <sigh> anyway, I guess I'll have to deal with it. {1-25-97: Found a copy...in EVANSTON!}

My Closet Situation:

I am being really very open about myself. Since I got back from break, I've been much more willing to speak my mind. I think a number of people are starting to suspect that I might not be straight, but nobody A) Cares or B) Says anything about it. Its not like I'm "out" or anything, its just I am perfectly willing to participate in a conversation about guys as I am about girls. I am being honest. I don't know what to make of it. I think JB had an influence in this. He outed me to his entire house. Everybody knew me, or rather how I was related to JB. I haven't decided what I'm going to do about it, I could just stop being so talkative. Or I could find a girlfriend, and have some minor PDA (strange, nobody seems to realize that there is such a thing as bisexuality). Another wrench in the works is that my Mom's coming to school in March.


I think my mom knows that I'm not straight. She dropped a couple of hints, and actually asked me about what the guys looked like! My most natural reaction was to play the stupid straight boy... I told her the truth that they were "okay, I guess". I left out the part about the ones that I found particularly okay.

I resolved over break to tell her that I was bi. And over break, we had a lot of nice conversations. She asked if there were a lot of gay people at school, and about the gay clubs. I answered those questions and we had a number of talks about other unrelated stuff. Literally, while I was gathering the courage to tell her that I was bi, she comes out and says, "Gay people are so gross." Out of nowhere, we were talking about what new clothes I would need when I got back to school and getting an apartment instead of a dorm room next year! I said, I don't think so, but whatever. I asked where that came from, and she said she saw a calendar of same sex kissing. Sure I could see that, if we'd just had a conversation on sexuality, but clothes? I don't know, but I suspect that she knows about my sexuality, and that statement was her way of saying : "I know, but I don't want to be told." If not, then she's vehemently homophobic, and I probably don't want to break it to her just yet. I know its not the latter, my mom is pretty accepting. I don't think she'd be happy hearing, but I think she could deal with it. My dad on the other hand... I don't know.

Well guys and gals I've tried to keep this as short as I could, without missing stuff. I hope you like it, but it's already late, so I'm not doing a proof read. So complain, yell at me for grammar, or if you have an opinion on anything I've said, drop me a line at soulseer@cyberdude.com (PS: I have an AOL account under the same name, drop me an IM if you see me.

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