February 1998

The past month has been very interesting, a lot has happened and I mean A LOT. This is the first time that I have had the actual idea of what I am (was) going to write before I started to write it.

Let's see where do I begin? I have so many thoughts and I want to type them all at the same time. Ok, well I think I will start with school. As many of us did, I had my exams this last week, and they were so-so, as most of my grades are. But I decided to go and talk to a teacher that I had been told was gay, and was willing to talk to me about things. I knew that there would be an Anti- Discrimination Seminar at my school and that was to be the first step to creating a GSA, which I have been thinking about doing for a long time. So, I went in to him class room, introduced myself and told him where I got his name from, he knew instantly who I was and what I was. Which was nice, because I wasn't too sure how much my source had told him. We talked for a while about gay issues in my school and how things are not too good, and how teachers don't do enough to stop the use of gay slurs. And he told me about the seminar, and I said that I would like to participate. He told me that I didn't have to actually have to come out at it, but we would be talking about gay issues. So I am very happy about that, I have something to look forward too.

Next is the issue that has me up at arms, my Parents. I bet that makes many of you (like me) get goose-bumps every time you hear that word, parents. So I am in my room, and my mother asks me if anyone in the school (the administration) knew if I was going to see a shrink, and I said no I don't think so, then I asked why. The next few words, almost sent me into a flying rage. She said and I quote "Well if it gets on your college transcript that you are seeing a shrink or that you think you are gay, you might not get into the college of your choice." If that doesn't make some of you really pissed off, I must be over-reacting SO much. But I haven't had a chance to talk to them about what she said, and that the school administration does know that I am gay, and that if a college refuses me because I am gay, then I don't want to go there.

Then other thing that drives me crazy is she keeps asking me "Have you told so and so that you think you are gay?" and I just say, "No, I have told so and so that I know I am gay," if indeed I told that person. If I haven't, I just say "No, I haven't told so and so that I am gay." I am told by several people that it didn't take me a day or a week or how ever long to come to terms with the fact that I am gay, and it sure won't take them the same amount of time that it took me. And I do know that, but I think that they should at least think, that is all I ask of them to think and think logically. I mean it's not like that they don't know that homosexuality is genetic, what are they going to say, that I CHOSE to be gay, because I wanted to be a social outcast, not be able to express my true feelings to my friends. That I chose to be gay, because I don't want them to have more grandchildren. I would love to father a son or daughter, I think that would be the greatest experience for anyone, and I am sure it is for them too, until they read my journal. The other thing, they seem to fall to the image that all gay people die of AIDS, no matter what. I, according to my parents, am going to die of AIDS, not by cancer, not by murder, not a car crash, but of AIDS and only AIDS. I mean, it does no good even with all the awareness that there is about it. I recently read a study that nowadays, straight white males have more of a chance of catching AIDS then any gay white males. I mean that in itself shows something. But still, I WILL die of AIDS, or so my mother says.

I would like to finish this piece off with a quote from a Dave Matthews Band song called So Much to Say:

I say my hell is the closet
I'm stuck inside
Can't see the light
And my heaven is a nice house
in the sky
Got central heating
and I'm alright
Yeah yeah yeah
cant see the light
Keep it locked up inside
don't talk about it
talk about the weather
cant see the light
open up my head and let me out
little baby
here we have been standing
for a long long time
Treading trodden trails for a long
long time
I find sometimes it's easy
to be myself
Sometimes I find its better to be
somebody else.....


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