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John

February 1998

It's John...Hopefully someone's reading. Keeping you updated on my life. Second semester has started and I'm finally taking driver's ed. Let's start off this month's column.

Ugh....well, since I'm "in the closet" I have to put on this big act, both to my parents and friends. I feel that the Internet is the only place where I can be myself. I've made a few friends which I write to.(you know who you are) I feel that its some kind underground railroad to which I'm secretly doing this on the Internet. But once I sign off the Internet, I'm back to myself with no one to tell anything to and pretending to be someone I'm not.

This brings me to the topic of courage which took me a while to write. I had to find the right wording. I hope you agree.

At present, I get along with most everyone but I'm sure if I was out...it'd be different. But I'd still consider us very brave people because we put ourselves out there each day even if the world doesn't treat us right. We take the chance of acceptance in school, jobs, and almost everywhere.

When you think about it, being gay shouldn't be such a drastic thing in your life, but it is. Everyday you might have to avoid certain conversations. You might not get to say and act like you want to. For example...The other day at school one kid was saying how he's going to be president and going to make laws and stuff and it was harmless stuff and then he said, "I'll kill all the faggots because they seem to be "coming out" from everywhere." Pretty scary the opinion that most people have of us. It just doesn't seem real.

My family doesn't know what gays really have to go through. It really disgusts me. Over Christmas break my dad was talking about a gay guy who goes around a town and just does normal everyday things, but my dad for some reason finds him humorous and calls gay people "fruits." I just wish that he knew he was disrespecting and hurting me. My mom feels sorry for the guy because she knows he can't live a normal life but she also laughs at jokes against them. But the thing is that they don't know that I cling to every word and think how am I ever going to tell them. (These are just occasions...they aren't bad people, they just don't understand)

So I leave myself alone trying to avoid suspicions from just about anyone. I'm trying to do things by myself and this page is helping a lot. I've realized that there are others out there just like me accepting me and allowing me to just be myself. ITS GREAT!.

But that's why there's something like being "in the closet". Someday I'll make my move and maybe I'll feel more free but that day is a long way away. But life isn't that bad. Se I'll leave you with some words of advice from the "great me" Be yourselves at all times, if possible.

You can write to trainvn23@hotmail.com if you want......I can't promise I'll write back to all.....But I'll try.

Thanx,

See ya

John


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