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AJ

March 1998

It seems really incredibly that it is already March. Well how much stuff to report? A lot, as usual.

Hazel:

Hmm. Well I'm really impressed with my ex-boyfriend. He had a chase-style crush on one of the guys on my floor, and after consulting with me for over a week, finally made contact. Granted, that I pretty much was there to listen, but I pressured him into asking the guy himself. Unfortunately, try as I could, I couldn't get him to use anything other than anonymous e-mail. A particularly poor choice in my personal opinion. I heard the guy talking in the bathroom afterwards about the letter, and he said, "I mean, come on, what sort of person comes on to you over e-mail?" I'm also happy to say that as a result of some things that happened, I have sealed our friendship. I am really and truly and completely over Hazel.

Ummm ... well I guess I'm sort of out:

A couple of weekends ago (early February), I went to a party based on an online friend's invitation on that Friday night. The friend was a 21 year old gay boy, Chris, who is incredibly well adjusted. I was pretty impressed with him over the Internet and e-mail, and the party seemed cool. I went, met the Chris (who happens to be very attractive too ... ), got very drunk. I also came on to a friend of mine from my English class, who bought me another drink. Now, if logic serves me right, if you have a drunk somebody coming on to you (aye, even rubbing up against you), do you continue to try and get said person more drunk? I think NOT. I asked if he was straight, he said yes. Well, then he got his girlfriend over, and she tried to get us to kiss, or more correctly to get me to kiss him. She pushed me into him, and thankfully I wasn't so drunk that I lost all control, I gave him an Eskimo kiss (that is I rubbed my nose against his cheek). It was fun.

Well that weekend happened to be a long weekend for us, and my best friend and I decided to get ourselves a drink. (I know it sounds like I drink a lot, but honestly it was the first time we had really drunk anything since the quarter started, and generally our drinking is mixed drinks in severe moderation, i.e. one weak mixed drink.) I decided to call my mother (mainly because she has a tendency of calling at exactly the wrong time), and get conversing with her out of the way beforehand. She began to tell me how much my education was costing, that they were borrowing money, and just a lot of stuff I wasn't in a great mood to handle. I have a lot of guilt over the pressure I'm placing on my family, and I am very sensitive to that sort of criticism anyway. That put me in exactly the right mood to be stupid. I changed from my one weak Lemonade and Vodka, to straight shots and lots of vodka and lemonade. I then proceeded to go online and talk to my ex-boyfriend (Hazel) over the Internet. Words like "Love" and "Death" were being thrown around by me. It was fan-friggin-tastic. He spent almost an hour trying to get me into bed, but I got a lot of stuff off of my chest. I really love the guy as a good friend, and saying that really helped both of us cement our friendship. But, the outing came about fifteen minutes later, when I told my entire hall that I had just finished talking with my ex-boyfriend, and made an ass of myself. It was taken, understood, and accepted. Now the people who know either don't care or are supportive ... or at least they don't say anything.

I have been going to Q+A (Queers and Associates) meeting for about a month now. It has been a lot of fun, and I have no problem saying that's where I'm going. I don't lie and I don't like evading or misleading, and therefore when I was asked how I knew this guy Adam, I said from Q+A. That extended the knowledge of my sexual orientation from the floor to the house. I'm completely satisfied with the situation. It was an entirely non-traumatic change. Everybody is well aware of the fact that I like girls, as I remember vaguely sitting in my next-door neighbors lap telling her how huge of a crush I had on her for the first month of school. Most people were really surprised, but everybody has been cool with it.

NUB:

Well I put a note in last month about having found somebody new. Well, he goes to Northwestern and is a really sweet guy. Unfortunately, he wasn't interested in a committed relationship, and I really don't want any other kind. So, we decided to call it quits. I want to talk to him more, but I don't think he wants to talk to me, so I'm giving it some time.

Randall:

I went to a Q+A meeting this past week (on the 17th of February), and saw Randall with his friend sitting at the table. Since the topic of conversation was genderbending, in honor of Genderfuck (which is getting out as I write), that week, we talked about guys dressing as girls, and girls acting masculine. I honestly didn't really take my eyes off Randall for very long throughout the meeting. Being myself however, I talked a lot, and therefore I really was sort of afraid afterwards that he'd be annoyed by something I had said. Q+A is a small group (relatively) with about 20 people in the meeting, so when new people come, they are very easy to spot. Randall registered a big fat zero on the gaydar though. I honestly thought he was straight, but decided to at least say hi. I went up to him, and asked him what he thought, and what house he lived in. I'd have asked his number, but I was too nervous.

With most university computer systems however, with relatively little information, you can pinpoint who exactly who a person is. I had enough to find out his full name, from which I could get anything I wanted to about him. I decided to e-mail him. Yes, I remember saying that e-mail was a bad way to do things, but Randall already knew who I was and we had spoken. I e-mailed, and he replied within 10 minutes of having read my message. I basically asked him if he was an associate (if not, that means he's queer ... via process of elimination. It seems so much smarter to ask the question if somebody's straight or not.) and if not, was he out. I got a no, and getting there as a response. He is also bisexual, also coming out, and also thinking about telling his parents.

We talked, and decided to go out. Although, I didn't know if it was a date exactly until I kissed him goodnight (his very first kiss). I honestly don't know how exactly to describe how I've felt for the past few days. I am very rapidly falling for the guy. Our stories are very similar, and we are taking things slowly. I don't want to lose him. I have been told I look too happy, others have called me bubbly. It feels good to be able to say that I feel good ... I have been really miserable for the last few months. Winter in Chicago is very different from Houston winters, there isn't a sun to warm your heart here. I am so used to wearing sunglasses that it was strange not to have to. Honestly, I'm sick of it. But as a result I've not been in the best of moods, at least not until now. I am really feelings very happy, despite my grades being poorer than what they ought to be, and the opus of learning Electrochemistry this weekend (addendum: I think I did fine on the test). I am genuinely happy.

I have been really scared about this happening to me again. It is the same feeling I got with Hazel. But I'm not nervous at all, Randall is so self-secure and just great and I don't think the same problems that arose with Hazel will be a problem with him. Tomorrow (I mean today), he plans on telling his roommate so he can introduce me around his friends. I don't know for sure if he will tell his roommate, but I hope whatever he does decide turns out for the best. I mean his roommate is in for an enormous shock, and it's hard to determine how he would react. The strangest think about Randall, is that I can't find fault with him. I generally try and find people's faults, so I can reconcile myself with them. If you've dealt with and come to terms with somebody's peculiarities, then when that characteristic comes up in daily meeting and stuff, it doesn't bother you as much. There really isn't anything I can see that I have a problem with. There's almost no chance of finding somebody who will not have at least one annoying characteristic, and I am still waiting to find out what Randall's is. I don't know that I'll find out anytime soon though.

Now, I just want to make sure that we know each other really well and keep things at a very slow tempo. I don't want to rush into anything with him, its probably what ruined my relationship with Hazel. We have had a lot of fun in the past week, and I have really become very attached to him. I don't know how this is going to pan out, but as far as I can tell there shouldn't be any pitfalls in the road anytime soon. My entire house knows him by name now, since he and I have been spending an enormous amount of time together, and I am really happy about that. Its sort of funny and disturbing simultaneously, a friend of mine on the floor asked me if Randall had moved in with me ... no, she wasn't joking. I was more than a little startled and then amused by the question.

Well I guess its pretty obvious that I'm writing this in stages, but Randall told his house. I've hung out with them and had a lot of fun. There haven't been any problems whatsoever. Its surprising me how ... ummm ... OPEN we are. I guess its strange for me especially, because I am not generally a very demonstrative person in public (not in terms of affection etc ... I don't go for PDA). And it's not like Randall and I have kissed in public, but in my hall, in the lounge, in the doorway to my house ... all places that while nobody has seen us, would be considered public. Then we've been holding hands while watching movies ... I guess its all just really baffling, and fast for me. I won't say that it's too fast for me, but just strange that all of the sudden a lot of stuff I have wanted to do with a guy I'm attracted to in public, I can all of the sudden do without any reservation. I guess it's just amazingly cool.

I always knew UC was a gay-friendly environment, but I guess I never realized to what extent. I mean it's not a secret at all that Randall and I are dating, he's spent the night a couple of times too (Yes, SLEEPING over ... ), and we haven't had any problems at all (although I have gotten a couple of winks and knowing glances from some people on the hall ... but they don't know anything). I guess I'm just kind of reeling from how fast things have gone. Its not as if we can turn back the clock, or that frankly I want to, its just that I've fallen hard before and been hurt, and there's nothing stopping that from happening again. On the other hand, I don't want my fears to stop me from hurting my relationship with Randall. I guess I ought to be pissed at Hazel for doing this, but I'm not, at least I know (first hand) what the consequences are of a bad break-up when there is that much emotion involved.

I've told Randall everything about me and the worst things I've ever done in my life. And honestly, his don't even compare. He never flinched. He's and Hazel have met, which in and of itself is not amazing, but what is sort of cool is that Hazel didn't pretend he was either straight or didn't know me. I was honestly impressed and surprised, but Hazel has been doing that a lot recently.

In terms of my relationship with Randall, I don't know where it's going or how fast it's getting there. I don't see us separating, and if we do, I don't think I'm going to be up for another relationship for a while. I have a lot ... okay a shitload of myself invested in Randall. I think if he broke up with me I'd be totally and completely distraught, more so than Hazel even. I have a lot more in this relationship than I've had with anybody else, and I don't know what I'd do if I lost it. I am just amazed that it happened so rapidly ... and I just hope that its not the parable of the hottest fire burning out first, because I don't want to be without him. I'd better slow down. Slower is always better, and that should perhaps take the front seat.

Letters:

I've been getting a lot of e-mails recently from people begging me not to post them on Oasis. PLEASE! A) It's unethical. B) It's so frigging mean! C) There is no desire to expose anybody. D) Even if there were a desire to expose anybody, I'd never have the time! So guys, I love e-mail. It's the only way that I know I'm making a difference to somebody. I do care, and I do write back. But, there is never any reason to worry that I'll out you or anybody else, it's not my style nor my desire. So, keep writing me with your comments or angered remarks, and I'll promise to write a better article next month (this month has totally sucked). Oh yeah, send E-mail to: soulseer@cyberdude.com or soulseer@aol.com. Both addresses are functional, but the cyberdude account will work forever, while the AOL account may be gone at anytime. I hope everybody has a great March and see you in April (my B-day month).

Something to THINK about: Fully one third of teenage suicides are known to be about sexuality issues. Don't be a statistic and don't let your friends (or enemies for that matter) be either. There are support centers in your area (or slightly outside if you are in a particularly reactionary area) for gay issues, and there are always facilities to deal with considerations of suicide. Take advantage of these options, they are almost always obliged to be confidential and will do their level best to help, but you have to at least be willing to take the first step. (PS: A promise made regarding human life is not binding if there is sufficient reason to believe that a human life is at risk. There is no ethical dilemma involved whatsoever.) God Bless, and remember that no matter how much it seems to suck, it will eventually get better ... don't ever do something stupid out of desperation, because you will either live to regret it ... or you won't live to appreciate it.

'Til next month:

AJ


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