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Fender Bender

March 1998

Welcome to the MAD house

So, you're back for more, are you? Or maybe you are here for the first time. All the same, assume crash positions and brace yourself for impact. Am I over building my measly column, I think so. I'll go and have a lie down and come back later when I'm calm, composed and sane (not very likely to ever happen really, but never mind).

Right, I'm back, I'm sane (not really) and ready to go.

Well, it was a surprise for me on the second of February to receive an email from an unusual address I hadn't seen before, it was also a surprise for my dad, when a new address comes in he gets suspicious, you can imagine what he thought when I got emails from a Ms. Lovabubble and a Little Miss Saucy who were only girls from school winding me up

Sorry, I've done it again, I can't help side tracking from my main point when typing. Any way, the email was from a very nice guy in Australia (you know who you are) saying that my column wasn't bad (Strangely, he wasn't after anything). My first instinct was to jump up and shout "Yes at last, some real people know I'm gay", but sense prevailed and I managed to keep quiet because if I had done so everyone in and out of the office where the modem is would have heard me and I'm not ready for that yet, but that's a whole other issue.

Well, that was the intro... now on the more serious matter I want to write about.

About a month ago I had a very bad day, school for me can be good or hell on earth. A good day is when I have drama, because I can be myself and the lovely teacher I have, Mr. Paterson accepts me for who I am. I also like it because ever since I realized I was gay (want to know more about that? Look at February's issue) my marks have been getting better and better in drama, so I can use my homosexuality to my advantage. Because of that I did really well in the prelims (a sort of mock exam of the finals I will sit in May) and was one of only seven out of fifty to get a grade one (the equivalent of top honors). Also people tell me "You're over emotional, overexcitable and twisted" which I also feel helps. Another thing that makes Drama so good is that I can do acting and directing which I'm not very good at, all the same they are some of my main passions in life.

A bad day for me is: there is no drama, no technical subjects which is my only other strong area. I mention a designer label (which I have very few of, but not many because I've got no money but if you want to give me some you're welcome) and because of the tragic death of Gianni Versace in summer 1997 and the very public attention it got, which especially involved his sexuality which as you all know is/was gay. Because of all that, the people I know all assume that all designers are gay so people who know the labels must be gay as well so the cry "bums to the wall" is given and that is very humiliating and really upsets me because it is a terrible reflection of attitude to gays where I live which just depresses me. Another thing that usually happens is, people chose me as the target for all there negative energy, which in small doses is OK but when it all comes at you at once you can break.

All of the above bad day happened on the first day back from the Christmas holidays, I came home in a bad mood just wanting to drink a cup of tea and go to sleep, but first my revolting little brother decided to keep telling me I was in a bad mood which just makes me even worse because I'm fed up with society telling me what I should be. Then at tea it was dad's turn to tell me I was in a bad mood and by then I'd had enough and I exploded, told him that he wasn't perfect either and ran off crying (sounds a bit sad maybe, but I can be a emotional wreck at times). I told them later that it was exam stress. It wasn't. What had really happened was I had reached the end of despair, I wanted a soul mate, which I sort of have but she doesn't know I am gay yet, also I wanted someone who would accept me for being me and I thought I was the only gay guy in the whole of Scotland so I was never going to get a boyfriend (I still don't have one so I am open to offers!) in my whole life. I really wanted to say to someone "I am gay" but I felt there was no one for me to confined in. Obviously by this time I hadn't discovered Oasis.

I was so low I was sitting at my tear-soaked desk looking at a pair of scissors and a some very strong pain killers for my migraines, I was trying to decide which one would be quickest, when I wiped my face which moved my head over to one side. I noticed a David Macalmont (openly gay, gorgeous and heavenly singer) tape which reminded me of an interview in which he said "That was a big week for me when I was 13, I decided that all I wanted to do was sing and that I was gay". This knocked it all in to perspective for me, I realized that I was doing what all the girls at school do when they have boyfriend trouble and come crying to me (you'd think they have more sense). I was getting paranoid and blowing the whole situation out of perspective, it made me realize that there are millions of gay kids all over the world but it's not something to go boasting about unless your a seven foot muscle bound hunk who no one can floor. I realized that I wasn't alone, well physically maybe because people seen to run a mile if they find one trace of homosexuality in your personality, when this happens I feel they are missing out on knowing someone who could be very nice but they are so insecure within their own sexuality that it is too difficult for them to accept. But, back to my main point, I was joined by many others in a spiritual sense.

OK, that may of been a bit confusing, the moral of this story is, there is always hope, one day "The light at the end of the tunnel will burst in to golden rays of sunshine"(Ewan MacGregor, Shallow Grave, well OK that's an adaptation of it, never mind). Don't listen to those who condemn us, pity them.

OK, it's safe again, the sermon is over, you can look again. Now for a little light-hearted stuff then you can go and read another wonderful column by someone else my friends.

Thank you my lovelies for reading. If you want to write and comment, complain, criticize, you need some friendly support or your fingers are simply tingling to type( two alliterations in one sentence, amazing) something simply write to "fender_bender@mailexcite.com" and all shall be replied to when I have a spare moment between sleeping a working.

Love to you all my Friends

FENDER BENDER

PS I have a very big apology to make to all those I have not been able to reply to, I have been cut off the net for a couple of weeks and I'm not sure if this will make the March or April issue. I am going behind my dads back to E-Mail this (nothing new there then). The address above is a new one and I will be able to reply to anything. Sorry.


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