March 1998

This is my second time at this, and my life is somewhat boring so I don't have much to say. I guess I can tell you about some of the "interests" in my life. I can only think of one way of going about this, and that is to start from the beginning of my life at my school.

Well, seventh grade didn't really have anything important in it, so I'll skip right over that one. Eighth grade. I had already started being interested in guys, but I had no idea that it was different from what everyone else thought, so I didn't think anything of it. I was fond of many guys at this time. Most of them were the jock type, and didn't have any brains. School wasn't important to me then, and it seemed that I would think about those jocks all day.

Ninth grade. This year everything I thought would be changed drastically. I had English Class first. It was a very boring subject, but I found other things to keep my mind on, mainly the boy that sat next to me. His name was Chris. He was kind of in the jock category, but he was smart too. He was also very handsome. There was some thing about him that made me just turn to Jell-O. Even his flaws were perfect. There was nothing about him that I did not like. Chris had no idea that he had meant that much to me, unless I was completely obvious.

That year had other impacts on my life. The kid who sat behind me in English Class was seen as a some what freak. His name was Justin. We would talk every once and a while, but nothing big. Then one day as I waited for my ride to show up, Justin came over to me after he was done with practice of whatever sport he was in, and he started talking to me. We talked about how our parents were weird, and how school was. I remember that he had a two-liter bottle of soda, and that he had to finish it before his mother got there because she didn't allow him to drink soda. Talk about weird, huh? Well anyway. After that afternoon, Justin and I became pretty good friends, and are until this day. He was the friend I spoke about in my last column. I don't know where I would be today if I had become friends with him that year.

There was also another guy that I had some interest in, his name was Justin too. He was in my Religion Class. I sat in the middle row and in the first seat. He sat in the furthest left row, near the back. I thought that he was the one, even though he acted quite rude and was a total hot-headed jock. I think it was just a lustful attraction. He seemed okay, but I just had to find out everything about him. Though I don't remember how it worked out, I managed to get moved to right in front of him. I soon would start up chats with him, and then I asked him to go places. He asked me to go places. We spent the night at each others houses. This reminds me of one time he came over to my house, when I lived in Prunedale(Don't ask). We were just fooling around in my room, and he noticed the video camera. We taped things, nothing big. He had me tape him, and I still have the tape. I watch it ever once and a while to remind myself of him. Sorry about that bit of rambling, I tend to do it a lot. Anyway. We were really good friends, and we spent all our spare time together. Before we knew it, the school year ended. That summer, we were together almost 24-7. Then to end the summer with a bang, he invited me to go with him to a resort hotel down in Santa Barbara. It was a memorable trip, even though he fought with his parents the whole time. He kind of had a temper control problem. After that, he kind of drifted apart from me. I don't know if it was that fact that I was witness to his tantrum he had that weekend (the whole weekend), or if it was something else. I don't think I will ever know. He left the summer after tenth grade, and it was rumored that his was admitted into a mental hospital. I am not sure if this is true or what.

Tenth grade. This year my attraction was directed not to a fellow student, but to a teacher. My religion teacher. I don't think I should go into this, because I don't think it is appropriate. He and Chris were the only attractions I had this year.

Eleventh grade. My current grade. This isn't going to be a complete log, as I am still living it. I was confused about everything at the beginning of the year. I had just came out to my best friend, met my best on-line friend in real life, and now I had school. Geez. Chris was in three of my classes, and that was really cool. I didn't think of him as I do now, so I looked towards others. Daniel. He was in three of my classes too, but I was only attracted to him sexually. I don't think there was a emotional connection at all. I also had small crushes on other guys that were in some of my other classes, but are really nothing. It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that I realized that Chris was the only consistent one I was attracted to, and that is when it came to me. I was in love. Chris was that person I was in love with, and wasn't just a crush. I am always thinking about him. When I am with him, I'm staring at him, and thinking about getting to know him. When I'm not with him, I'm think of him non-stop.

I don't even think about having sex with him, which is a BIG surprise considering how I am. I just want to hold him, and have him hold me. I would give anything just to kiss him once. The thing is is that there is a ninety percent change that he isn't gay, but what do I know? I only hope that he won't freak if he finds out about my feelings for him. Which may be pretty soon, because if he does notice me getting closer to him the pressure of holding myself back will make be just come out and define my love for him. Some people would call it an Obsession, or a consequence of too much Wishful Thinking, but I say to hell with them. I have this feeling, and it hurts me so. How could someone's presence cause so much pain to someone who is dying to be near that person if it weren't love? And if this weren't love, I'd like to see what was. I'm sorry, but I can't go on writing this. It is too emotionally straining.

P.S. - I know that this isn't a private publication, and that some people from my school may read this (maybe even Chris), so all I ask is that if you can figure out who I am don't go and blab it to everyone. Come to me and tell me that you read it. OK, I'm done rambling.



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