March 1998

My Family

For the past nine years, I've been raised in a very open and tolerant household. I've been raised by my father and my older brother and sisters, as well as their friends. My oldest sister is eight years older than I and has many outwardly gay friends. From the time I was about eight, I can remember Friday nights where our house would be filled with her friends; three of which were gay males, two were bisexual females, and one, I remember, was a lesbian.

My family was very close to most of her friends. My father was fine with this and I have been raised to have empathy and respect for all living beings. My father wouldn't shun me if he knew that I am bisexual. My brother would shrug his shoulders and hug me and tell me he already knew. I'm not sure how my sisters and mother would react. My dad is the one person in my family I really wish I could tell. His acceptance of me is very important to me. I even suspect that he thinks I'm gay. He even sat me down and asked me about a month ago if I was ... and I declined from this opportunity to tell him that I was bisexual. I don't know why, but I just shrugged my shoulders and told him nope...

My Friends

I have a few very close friends. My best friend is herself bisexual as well and out, to her friends at least. I wish I had her courage. Her family, however, is not as understanding as she wishes they were. My other very close friend, Josh, is straight but has no problem with anyone else's sexuality, whatever it may be. I know that they love me and would support me if I ever had the strength to tell them. But for some reason, I just don't.

I have known I was since I was 13. They have suspected as much since this summer, or at least openly suspected. They make jokes about it sometimes, which hurts. I don't know what to say when they say these things. I think they know me too well and are trying to make it seem like as small of a deal as possible for me to come out to them. I think if they knew it hurt me when they made these efforts, they would stop. They've settled down in there attempts however in the past few months. and I feel better about this. I want to tell my best friend SOO bad! It frustrates me! Ugh! I have planned and tried so many times, but somehow things don't work out and I chicken out.

A few weekends ago we were sitting outside the movie theater discussing her relationship with this boy she knows I am disgusted by. I said something about it and then she said that my "closet homosexuality" worries her. I faked a laugh and told her it worried me too. I think she thinks that I only said that because I have begun to just ignore and play off her and Josh's feeble attempts to get me to say 'Hey guys, guess what? I like boys AND girls." I want to sit her down and tell her without a fake laugh, without it just being a patronizing response to a crack someone made about me.

I know that I would be accepted and that it wouldn't come as any big surprise. I don't know what's keeping me from just saying it then. Maybe I'm insecure. Maybe I'm weak. Maybe I'm still unsure. I don't know. But whatever it is, I wish I could figure it out and get over it and just say it. I came to this site in hopes to read other kids' stories. I thought that would help me. It has.

-- Holley, frostfairy@hotmail.com

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