There are a few things I want to say this month, and they have nothing to do with each other. Therefore, I will divide the letter into sections.
I would like to thank all of you who wrote me in response to last month's article, both those who agreed and disagreed. I was glad folks at least took the time to read it. A few people wanted to know about my coming out. Personally, I think there are much better coming out stories on Oasis already. Mine, while positive, is dull. If you want to hear it anyway, e-mail me. I saved an e-mail I wrote to an old friend about it that I'll just forward to you. Otherwise I see no reason to waste net-space with it.
I had the experience of seeing a gay couple in action last night. (No, not THAT kind of action!) I'll call them D and A. D goes to my school. A goes to a school about an hour away, and is a very nice guy. They have been dating for a few months now (six, I think), I've seen them at a bar, getting ready to go to a club, and heading off to the gym, but I never saw them "being a couple" before. Yesterday, I saw them just walking on the trail behind our apartment building. (They were so cute!) Then I saw them making dinner in D's apartment. Just dinner, nothing special. But it was special. As I watched them cut various vegetables and make off-color jokes I realized how lucky I was.
I know, you're saying: "But James, THEY are the ones dating, not you." I know that. But let me explain.
Since I admitted to myself I was gay I have dreamed about meeting someone, falling in love, and spending the rest of my life with him. But it seemed so abstract, so alien. I have heard about gay couples spending their lives together, but I've never seen it. Now I suddenly had a concrete image of it in my head. And regardless of whether D and A last, I saw one brief moment of what that must be like. Just two guys who love each other making dinner.
I can't wait. I can't wait until I have a guy I can just stay home with and make dinner. Maybe we'll have a dog, buy a house, or even adopt a kid. Life is beautiful.
Straight guys and love:
Turning from the positive to something a little less so....
The brain is, well, confusing. Anatomically it is just a collection of cytoplasm, axons, genetic material and chemicals. Nevertheless, it has the amazing propensity to get us into all sorts of trouble. Alas, you can't reason with your own brain. It has a mind of its own (really, no pun intended). Let me give you an example:
Have you ever met someone who you instantly hit it off with? He's intelligent, nice, funny and attractive. You find you want to explore the world with him, learn everything about him, and even just spend some with him doing nothing in particular. You see him in the computer lab, and you would give anything to run your fingers through his hair. He appears in your building after his weekly run, and his smell drives you absolutely wild (damn pheromones). But you know he's straight, and happy to be so. You know that if he knew what you felt for him he would probably be, to say the least, freaked out. You know that no matter what, you can never have a relationship with him, but you want to all the same. In short, he's your perfect man, mentally and physically. You know could fall in love with him, and be happy for the rest of your life, but fate makes it impossible.
He is gorgeous. He has short blond hair and big blue eyes I could just stare into for hours. And as hard as I try, I can't make myself feel differently for him. Yet I know it can never be. I know he would be upset. I know all of these things, but still I would mud-wrestle the Pope if I could just have him feel the same for me. It is this kind of situation that makes me curse myself for having desires, curse my sexuality, and most of all, curse my hormones (tricky little buggers that they are).
This is a small, conservative school in a small, and very Southern town. As such, there aren't many gay people about with whom to mingle. Maybe that's why this happened. I don't know. But I do know, that if only a few neurons in his brain were different, I could be as happy as I am sad. That's where the section above comes in. I still hold on to the dream. I know that one day I'll feel this way about someone who is actually gay!
Okay, that was long and rambling. Sorry.
Comments, questions, words of wisdom? E-mail me at < firstname.lastname@example.org >.
The end. (G'night!)