Curtis Lyle Lawrence

March 1998

"This Is Ourselves Under Pressure"

-- David Bowie and Queen

Feb. 13, 1998

I was under pressure on the weekend of the 7th, after listening to the third drunken weekend diatribe in a row from my father. I put my hand through a wall several times and locked myself in my room. Later on, while he was still being an asshole and kicking at my door, I put a pocket knife through it twelve times at about where his head would be. In addition to that, I also directed my anger at myself a few times, the feelings of rage and helplessness had instilled in me the strong desire to hurt myself through self-flagellation (cutting one's self...no, I'm NOT psycho, just very mad. The self-flagellist hurt's him/herself because they are ultimately afraid that a more outward display of anger will worsen their environment, so what I did is understandable -- if you've ever been in such a situation, I really didn't want to hurt him because I love him, so I hurt myself)

My father who is a binge alcoholic may have changed his tune after realizing when he was sober that he came that close to getting twelve stab-wounds in the head, time will tell if such a change is permanent. But there was more to my rage than just his crap...

The night before my interior decorating I discovered that one of my closest friends ever (and I mean EVER, I've never let anyone as close to me as him) did drugs. I was terrified when I saw him -- I'll call him Tarek -- take a toke from a bong, terrified because I had remembered that he was a little depressed during the week and now it seemed that he was using some substance (I later found out that it was pot, a rather low-level, albeit illegal, substance. Hardly the stuff that had run through my mind at the time) as an escape from his problems, which is just what was giving me problems at home, substance abuse.

I was afraid for him and afraid of him. Once when I was younger, I had an acquaintance who I knew was into drugs real bad go into a drug-induced seizure and he suffered some...damage. The seizure was caused by a reaction to some foreign substances in the stuff he was using (this is one of the reasons why I believe the milder drugs should be legalized like in where is it? Holland? Because if the government could regulate it then some scumbag wouldn't be poisoning mixed-up kids... well, not as much anyway) I was afraid that I would lose him and it tore me up inside.

"I'm Going Slightly Mad"

-- Queen

I have "ruminating cognitive processes" (I worry about stuff, I mull and ponder, usually in a very melancholic way) So, I didn't get a lot of sleep that weekend (two hours in 48) so I had to call him, I needed to get my fears out of my system. We met we talked, Tarek assured me that he wasn't a pot-head, just a very occasional user and only when it was offered to him. My only problem with pot is that it's illegal, there's a difference that I know all too well between use and abuse and Tarek wasn't an abuser.

This week has been hard for me, though, the fact that I wanted -- well part of me wanted -- to hurt or even kill my dad has hit me very hard and Tarek has been there for me, he knows I'm gay and has absolutely no problem with it (this is according to one of the guys in my university group a clear indicator that he's 'in denial', of course everybody's in denial to him so I'm going to start calling him Buzz (Jason Alexander's character from Love! Valour! Compassion! who also 'knew' that certain people were gay, awww I still love the guy, anyway...))

I also came out to Tarek's girlfriend which was great. She already has several friends like me so it was so wonderfully liberating. She's also very perceptive, she knew I have feeling for Tarek but she's cool about it (we even joked that we could SHARE him and I've never seen a guy turn such a shade of red before, heehee!)

I do have feelings for Tarek but they're very complex. I want to hug him. I want to be there for him. I want him and his gal to be happy together and get married and have lots of kids. I want to be his friend forever, and of course I want him just like I want anyone else of his gender. I don't think I'll act on the last one though, though if he's curious...maybe, but probably not.

If any of you ever find a person who you're friends with that you'd die for, treasure them; if they are loyal beyond doubt, honor them; if they accept you without question, love them.

Happy triangle day/Valentine's Day,

Curtis Lyle Lawrence

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