I cried last night. Why, you ask? Out of happiness, desperation, and anger.
We'll call him Jake. We met my Senior year, his freshman. Jake moved in next door to me, with only tree fields between us (which being out in the boonies, it was like having someone in my backyard) We hung out nearly everyday, watching movies, talking, camping, etc...
Over the period of our five year friendship, we've been through quite a bit. Nearly two years of that time (not all at once) we spent not talking, and that was my choice. Now I realize that the reason I separated myself from the friendship during those times was due to the fact I cared and that scared me. I didn't want to be hurt and my safety was more important than being happy, whether it be my happiness or someone else's.
Now it's been about a year since a friendly endeavor has been made on my part. For that entire time I have been rude to him. The things I would say to him never felt right. There were even times when I would feel a hollow ache in my chest when remembering his presence in my life. Sure, there were times when we took each other for granted, but as long as we didn't let any problems go unsaid, things were fine.
However, we didn't always practice what we preached to each other. In distrust, we undermined our friendship; the majority of the time not realizing it until it was too late.
It wasn't until this past summer that I questioned my actions toward Jake. I held onto the belief that I needed to continue to protect myself, but the wall I had encased myself in was broken and slowly all the anger I had been using as protection, slowly slipped away.
I have been left wondering what to do. The last couple of months I fought nearly everyday, the desire to stop by his house or give him a call. I never did. This entire past year I never gave him one reason to think there was a chance with us picking our friendship back up. The funny this is, it didn't stop him from trying. He was always going out of his way to say hi and ask me what I had been up to. He would invite me to hang out or whatever and I would blow him off. And in the end, nearly every time, I cried. I cried because I missed him so much.
Myself and Jake weren't the only ones affected by this, it touched our circle of friends also. They tried harder than Jake to get me to come around. I just fought harder. I was risking so much and only because of my pride.
So, now you wonder how this all relates to my crying? I was crying because after giving in to the desire to go out to dinner with Jake this last time he asked, he shared something with me I deserved no part of. He came out to me.
It's been a couple of weeks since I wrote the above. Let me tell you, those weeks have been pretty interesting. Jake and I have done a lot of talking. There is a lot of work to do on the friendship, but in the end it will all come together.
One thing I have taken out of this is that making myself open to being hurt can be far less painful than completely separating myself from what might cause pain.
Until next month, have a good one, a safe one, and a happy one. firstname.lastname@example.org