Sean Maguire

March 1998

Hello there, my name is Sean Maguire. This name is a fake, but I like it. If you knew me well enough, you might be able to work out who I am. I am in the closet to everybody, bar your good selves. I live in Wellington, the capital of New Zealand, a small nation (3 million people, land size similar to Japan or UK) south-west of Australia. Wellington has about 400,000 people, and is a really cool place to live in. It has the most number of cafe's night spots, professional theatres (i. e. with live shows), and much much more (eeekkkk!! I'm starting to sound like an infomercial).

I am 15 years old and I go to an all male school, Wellington College. In New Zealand we call High Schools Secondary Schools and they are either something College or something High. We have Colleges of Education which train teachers. As I said, I go to an all male school, which has its ups and downs. Because I don't come into contact with girls I'm not friends with, I am never pressured into going on dates. But there are boys at school who I lust over, and with whom I know I don't have a chance.

I have just come back to school after the summer break. (Over the summer break, the seasons down under are different from those in the northern hemisphere, but this darn El Nino has made it 6 degrees Celsius (about 11 Fahrenheit) hotter and humidity has been close to 100% for the past month or so in the North Island). Yesterday the coldest place in the country was 18 Celsius (52 f). It is too HOT.

About Myself.

My father has had 3 wives. I am from his second wife. (These are not their real names) His first has two children David (23) who is doing a Ph.D. in engineering, Mel, 21, who had Downs Syndrome, and has just moved out of home. I am my mother's only child. The 3rd wife has had 2 children, Leo, 9, who I have a feeling might be gay, but he hasn't reached puberty yet, so he is a bit young (I'll go into this at a later date). But if he is anything like me, he should start soon. I first grew pubic hairs at age 10. And my little sister Emma, who is 5 in June, will start school then. I get along well with all my siblings, especially David, who is more like a friend than a brother. Not that I have friends who are 8 years older than me. He has a girlfriend, Fran, who I get along with. (I have just realized what boring names I have made up. )

Here is a poem I made up, I hope you like it.

Until a New World

By Sean Maguire

Is there a world outside of mine,
Where I must hide from my own kind.
Who am I hiding from:
The people I love in fear of hate?
Or the people I hate in fear of love?
The love I will give and the love I will find
If we find the love of all mankind
Or will I die somebody else

This poem was written late at night while watching MTV Europe's Party Zone, in which the presenter is interviewing the Crystal Method in Soho. (We get most of our MTV from MTV UK, but Beavis & Butthead, Daria, Singled Out and The Real World screen on a rival network) and I was feeling kind of down at how most people are straight (not that there's anything wrong with that), and that there are no openly gay students at my school, sigh. But I am friends with the most, er, flamboyant boys at my school.

One of them, who is a year younger than me, is very flamboyant and his manner and interests seem to point to the fact he is gay. But (ahhhh, you saw that coming) he seems either unaware or frightened that he may be gay. One of the boys in his class suggested, when he could not think of an idea for his (compulsory) speech, that he do it on homosexuals raising children, he could have risked taking the affirmative and being an outcast, but he chose to take the negative side of the topic.

This cannot be good for a boy who is (probably) coming to terms with his sexuality. As for me, several people have labeled me as queer, but most of them are not my friends, and the worst name-callers hate me. I am glad that any sign of my homosexuality that I send out does not scare my friends, not that I have come out to anybody, bar your good selves. Also I have been teased by some people, slapping my arse, flirting with me, but not much more than that. I try not to let myself get down, but sometimes I do get a little depressed.

I have not been down much lately since I have had almost two months off from school. I have had an awesome holiday. I have spent 10 days traveling the south island by car. I saw all my relatives, including a gay auntie, whom I don't see much of, because she is in a different city. She doesn't know, but I think she will be one of the first I tell. I think my (cute) Uncle Peter (who married my mum's sister) is wondering, because I keep staring at him. But he is a cool guy, and we get along well. I also enjoyed seeing my two cousins who are 7 and 5 months old. I also went to a beach near to where my dad grew up, and had a good time there fishing, and doing beach stuff. My cousins and I (2 girls, around my age) had a really good time. I also met a guy who I got along with really well, but he's straight, damn.

Whew. A long one. Hope you enjoyed it. Until next time. Sean

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