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AJ

April 1998

It seems like every month's deadline looms closer and closer. This month has gone by particularly fast...although that is perhaps because I turned in last month's article a week later. In any case, this past month has been rather interesting, and I don't honestly know where to start discussing it. I guess for me personally April is a significant month, so I'll start with that.

Happy Birthday

Well in April, I will become yet another year older. I can hardly believe I lived to 18. I mean, do you remember when you were five, reaching double digits seemed an impossible task. Well, for me, I never expected to live to be 18. Why? I promised myself that if I couldn't stop liking guys by my 18th birthday, I would commit suicide. Nothing messy, I had found a nice chemical recipe involving Tylenol, arsenic, and aspirin, that you could mix into Kool-Aid and Vodka. It would have done the job (an excess of 10% of the LD just in case) more than adequately. I suppose that I don't need to say that I never went through with it.

I'm going to be 19. I have the best boyfriend I could ever have imagined I could have. I am male. I didn't commit suicide because I thought I was straight when my birthday came. Well, that's not entirely correct, I had convinced myself that when I thought a guy was cute, it was just me being a "real man" able to recognize other male beauty when I saw it. I had already messed around with a guy who was younger than me in November of 1996, and I knew that I had messed around with the guy. I knew that I enjoyed it. But, during my sophomore year, which is a story in and of itself, I had convinced myself that the fact that I was attracted to females at all, was sufficient proof that I was straight.

What caused that to fail? Well, a guy named Jonathan Rossing. I sort of found myself in the midst of a phenomenal crush, and he was the target. I guess you'll understand after I describe him: he was a sophomore in college, absolutely gorgeous (looked like Leonardo DiCaprio, except with a body), looked great in drag, and was gay/out/loud/proud. He found a great balance between being loud without hitting the point where he became obnoxious. I probably would have tried to go out with him, had things worked out differently. He (albeit indirectly) forced me to realize that I was attracted to guys, and that shocked the hell out of me. Its not as if I hadn't recognized it before, it was just that it put things right in front of my face. I'd always hoped that it would go away, and become a phase like being into the New Kids on the Block or something.

Starting in June, I started to research myself. I obtained every scientific piece of data I could on the topic of homosexuality and stories of/by/about gay people. It was incredibly helpful for me. One byproduct was finding Oasis. By the end of July, I was had found out who I was, and had dealt with the matter. For two months though, my entire life consisted of working out at the gym, sleeping, and surfing the net between 2-6am. It was a great experience....well...at least it was very helpful. I grew up over the course of two months, which is pretty cool, since some people (read: Hazel) can't seem to do that even though they are older.

Hazel

If I have had an interesting fantastic month, I think Hazel tops me thrice. The guy he came out to on my floor was not interested in Hazel. Nor was he interested in spreading the word as to his identity. I am sort of trying to figure out Hazel's chances of staying in the closet for the remainder of this school year. He's got a lot of bases to cover, and a few people other than me know. All I can say is that if he gets outed, its not going to be my fault. I have kept his secret considerably better than he has.

Well let us start with the fact that he told a guy in Q+A not only his name, but that he had dated me. This occurred after I had been to two meetings. Given those two connections, anybody who truly wanted to know who/what he was, easily could. I don't have any problem talking about Hazel, but obviously I don't use his name. It helps me a great deal being able to talk to my friends about him, especially since I am often trying to help him out. Although I'm pretty smart, I'm not a shrink and I'm not omniscient. I don't have all the answers, and therefore when I say something I'm unsure of, I like getting backed up. His pseudonym helps me do that without breaking my promise.

I found out a lot about Hazel recently. It seems that I really don't constitute much in the grand scheme of his life at all. I don't know what to think sometimes, because I really do care about him. And he knows that, and knows that it's not because I'm hung up on him, but rather that I genuinely care about his welfare.

I suppose I ought to explain: I am the sort of person who has two options open to him, 1) treat all people with equal importance and never do an adequate job or 2) focus everything I have onto one person and save them. I have always tried to be a savior. When Hazel was having a tough time with the guy across the hall I sacrificed my mornings staying up with him until 3 am talking on the net (we rarely speak in person, despite his proximity). This is with a class at 8:30, and me not returning home until 3pm. Which ultimately involved me missing more classes this quarter than in the last quarter, and me being fatigued (I NEED 7-8 hours). But, I did everything I could to help him. I don't know if I made a difference...I never do...but at least I tried my best.

Now, I think Hazel might have found somebody who he can have something with. I hope it works out for him, i.e. he doesn't blow it by being a jackass. I don't think he will though, when he got home from this guy's apartment, he was glowing...well what he was saying anyway. It was really great to see him NOT whining about his past relationship (specifically the guy back home, whom he's not over after over a year of being broken up). There are of course downsides to the relationship, basically there's a time constraint of sorts. Fingers are crossed though, I hope he finds happiness. <<Okay, it's a week after I wrote that...Hazel is not going to find his happiness like that. Long story, but basically I got asked out by the guy that he liked.>>

Speaking of Happiness

The last month has been the best. My boyfriend is the coolest. I love him so much. After meeting him, despite the hellish times that I've had in general with school and stuff, he's been there always for me, and vice versa. I feel really good about our relationship, and I suspect its going to last for a while. He came out to his mother, and she took it really well.

Now I need to do that...I just wish I could. I don't know how my parents would take it, and I don't want to deal with it either. I love them and I don't want to hurt them. Moreover, I know my parents would eventually deal with it, I just don't know how long that would take. I mean, if it takes a year or ten...it makes a difference. I just feel I need to, but I don't have to...and its probably better for me to wait a little bit. I don't know. I'll have to deal with it when I deal with it. I don't think its going to be right now. Mom is getting more pressing into it though, gay stuff came up twice in our walk conversations. I don't know how to take this stuff, I'm getting so many mixed messages that I can't really figure it out. And until I do, I'm not coming out to them.

I am getting really tired right now. This article is already late, despite me starting it a week ago. I have just finished talking to Hazel, who is sort of out of it, and I'm more than a little sorry for him. I don't know what to do.

NUB wrote me and said he loved me. Great right? No. I don't know what to tell him or what to say. I liked him, but not after we tried to do the "lets not be monogamous" thing. Well I am not going to deal with this right now. And I want to get this article that started so beautifully in, before I started to have all this stuff going on. My best friend is having a nervous breakdown too.. ARGHHH okay.

Well thanks for reading another column (I'm talking to Hazel right now...so I might end up editing some of this before I mail it to Jeff). I hope its shortened length and feeble attempt at conciseness. I would love to hear from you, since I don't have any other way of knowing how I'm writing. My e-mail address is <soulseer@cyberdude.com> and I also have an AOL screenname <soulseer>. But I'd rather you send e-mail to the cyberdude account, it's easier to manage. Enjoy your month.

Yippee! I'm going to be 19!! Goodbye everybody.

BTW, since I have had a lot of questions about it, I NEVER PUBLISH OR TALK ABOUT AN E-MAIL I GET.


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