April 1998

Well, hello all. It has been a long while since I last wrote. But a lot has happened to me. And I think that I have gained some insights, and these are very important to me, and I think that it is my duty to share them with my peers, because had I known them earlier in my life, maybe this last month wouldn't have happened the way it did. And for those of you who know me personally, I do not regret anything that has happened, I just feel obliged to let other kids like me know my insights.

The First Insight.

If any of you have read the Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield, I am not trying to copy him.

But to the point, my first insight is this; love, however it seems, takes time to form between two people. Sure I believe in love at first sight, but it comes to a point, where you have to be with that person before you can say that you love them. I met someone, Jack, and he was the first gay 17-year-old I had met. Just so you know, I was introduced to him at a gay youth group that I go to. And I guess you could say that I "fell in love with him at first sight." And we went out to see movies, and we cuddled at his house while we watched TV, and for a while (about 4 days) I was the happiest I had ever been. Then in talking to a good friend via email, he told me that he thought that love didn't take place instantly, that he thought "love didn't happen as fast as I thought." And when I read that, it hit me, I learned that I didn't love Jack. But the fact that he was the first guy that I had ever met that had any interest in me, made me want to jump right in thinking that it would work, that I really did love him. But I was wrong, I didn't love him, I mostly wanted him so that I wouldn't have to be alone, so that I could say to my friends (that know I am gay) that "I really am gay and I have a boyfriend to prove it." I also felt that I had to go out with him just because he is a gay guy.

I know now that I was wrong. I now know, that love takes time, and that if you don't give it time, and just jump right in and try to make it work, you will be even more miserable. So in conclusion to the First Insight, love takes time, and you should give it time to develop fully, so that you will have a happy relationship.

The Second Insight.

Parents. Many a people have talked about parents, at my group, on Oasis, online in gay chat rooms. But over the past month or so, I have learned another thing. And that is, that parents love you, but they just need time to come to terms with your being gay. And I have also realized that we should treat them normally, and give them as much time as they need to come to terms with it. Whether it is 2 days or 50 years, treat them normally, just as you would before they knew. Sure, sometimes they will really piss you off, and like that isn't normal? I have noticed that if I treat them like I did before they found out, they learn that I am still the same person that I was before, but now I don't have to hide everything that I do from them.

In finishing the Second insight, give your parents time, treat them like you would normally, and try to be civil to them.

The Third and Final Insight.

I recently was out to dinner with a few friends from school, and only one of them knew I am gay, and we were talking about stuff, and one guy said, "Oh that's so fucking gay," and I, without even thinking about it started to yell at him and I said "oh really, well if that's gay, then this is really fat (not PHAT), pointing to the newspaper that he was looking at." The reason why I said fat was that my friend was on the large side of things, so he looked at me, and said "what was that for?" and I went on to explain that just saying that something is gay is not a way to describe the way something is, if he sees a car that is in bad shape he should say something like that car is a piece of shit, or that car is a hunk of scrap. But not gay, a car is not gay. I have never seen two cars that are having sex. Anyway, how do you know what sex a car is. And he sat there amazed at what I was saying, (I am usually very quiet) and he just shut up, and said he was sorry. Then another friend asked me if I was gay, and I looked at her, and my friend that was with me that knew, said that it didn't matter if I am gay or not, but that he was using words that didn't apply to what he was trying to convey. And that was then end of that conversation.

The moral to this one, is that don't be afraid to voice your concerns to your friends about the way they use the word gay. If you don't like it when someone is swearing, you can tell them that you don't like it, and usually they stop. So tell your friends that you don't like the way they use the word gay, and if they ask you if you are gay, there are three things you can say: yes, no I am not, or, I have some gay friends and that offends me and them.

I hope that my knew found insights have helped you or will help you in the future.

As Dave Matthews says:

Hey my friend
It seems your eyes are troubled
Care to share your time with me
Would you say your feeling low and so
A good idea would be to get it off your mind.

If anyone wants to talk to me about anything, my email address is Alex8069@aol.com



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