April 1998

This being the first of my writing here, I would like to have a brief bio. I'm 17, out and about queer male, who tends not to follow the traditions of our culture. I'm located in the burbs of Minneapolis, MN. School wise, I'm in a few, an alternative school, and college classes.

My main focus today is that most people, when they decide to come out, or when they decide to go back in, think that everything in their life will just happen to change for the better after they break a few hearts.

I hate to break it to you, honey, but out life isn't that much better than the closet. I'm not saying that we should go back to our hangers in there. No way! But at 13, I don't think that you are capable of the load the out life has offer. I'm not sure that when I was 16/15 I was able to handle it.

I was misled into thinking that I would be a leader in my school, that I would help all of the others to come out. But all I was was sort of a lab rat, raped of my education. After coming out to my friends, they either left, or said it didn't bother them, but never gave me the time of day anymore. More or less, I was shunned from every one.

My current friends are more that supportive, (We're all in the rainbow some way, shape, or form ), but I had to look, but not that far. Coming out had nothing to do with me finding them. We are all the starving beatnik artist type, but our genre couldn't be explained for the life of me. But back to school...

I couldn't take the people anymore. I turned to drugs as my only support system. No one seemed to know what i was in, not even our local "glbt" group. They just feed me some bullshit I could have gotten from Oprah. After being drunk/wasted every day at school, and not being there half the time, my school attempted to kick me out, but i just left, and dropped out.

I didn't want to attend school, and I still don't. I debate on going every day, even though I'm in an alternative school setting, where the teachers are way more sympathetic to traumas we, teens of the american 90s go through.

I just leave with this, not so much about thinking twice about coming out, but think long and hard about what in life is your main objective. With that in mind, you can go further than "jumping out" into the unknown.


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