Fender Bender

April 1998


Hello again my lovelies, so nice to see you again (that is assuming someone reads this). Still all gay, bi or what ever you choose to label yourself? Hope so. To start off with I must say I am very sorry to all those I haven't replied to again. I thought I would be officially back on line at the start of March, I wasn't. And for that matter I'm still not, I'm having to send this behind my dad's back again. What a shame, mind you deception is what my life is all about.

I'm as gay as I have ever knowingly been and, to be honest, desperate for a boyfriend, any takers in Scotland? Sounds really pathetic, well it is really. But you read about guys and their boyfriends and to be quite frank, it makes me really jealous. However what else can I be? I live in the shit hole humanity forgot and there aren't any gay support groups, gay clubs until you go down Scotland a bit. The only gay youth club I know of is in London. I think all that adds up to allow me to be desperate and pathetic. Do you, any comments?

This month's column is really what last months was going to be, but I was felling really wingy last month so it went in instead. This month's is what happened to me after my "awakening" so it is like part two to February's column (it would help if you read it first. Unless the e-mail address on Februarys is the same as this ones, don't use that address, it doesn't work).

As you may or may not know, I realized I was gay in a hotel room in London last summer.

When it came to me I thought, 'Oh well, fine I'm gay.' After about ten minutes the misty haze caused by the shock had cleared and I realized that life had changed greatly for me.

The main question that went round and round in my head was "Why is this happening to me?", I still can't answer this question. If you do know the answer please write to the address below. Your prize will be an e-mail from me, won't you be lucky (that is a sarcastic comment, just thought I'd tell you in case you thought I was really full of myself).

The other strong feeling I got was, it was like being on the outside looking in on someone going through hell. It could be likened to a dream-like trance, waiting to be woken and realize that I wasn't really gay. About two months later I did wake up and I realized I was even gayer than I had thought, women weren't at all attractive to me and the question was "what was I going to do about it, (my real name would go in here)?.

What I did do was realize that it wasn't something to go shouting from the rooftops to the masses. Don't get me wrong, I'm not ashamed to be gay at all, however homophobia is wide spread in hell. So I'm keeping quiet for a wile. I would like to be openly gay to everyone but I'm too frightened about not being accepted. I've seen what happens if there is a slightly gay element in your personality so being openly gay would be three times as bad. I don't even know how my family will accept me if they know I'm gay, I think I'll wait to tell them. Maybe when I've got a boyfriend to go running to when they chuck me out or I have left home so I don't have to have all the tension it would create, I'll say something.

Ever since it came to me I have been discovering lots of new things about myself, this in some cases has made me happy and in others very sad, also I have done or nearly done some stupid things. For example, at new year I was at my best girlfriend's (not in the sexual sense) party and I had had far too much to drink (the hangover I had was the hangover to end all) and I nearly kissed a boy, we'll call him "L." He told me he loved me but that was the Vodka speaking. He didn't say anything about it in the morning, that is because none of us could remember much in my case and anything in some others' cases. That was another possible boyfriend out of the window.

Another problem with my heightened conscientiousness of my homosexuality is I have fallen in love, "this should be a good thing Fender" I hear you cry, well it should. The problem is I am going crazy over this guy, we'll call him "A", and he sits right next to me in maths, he's in my French and R.M.E classes as well. He is just so gorgeous, so perfect, so friendly, even to me and he hardly knows me. As you can guess he knows nothing of my love for him. I don't even know if he's ever had a girl friend, maybe he's gay? We both belong to totally separate social groups, he's a skater and I'm a mongrel. He behaves and speaks almost exactly like me, which some idiot has dared to call camp, also we both have the same dress sense which is generally considered gay. I am always looking for aspects of his personality that could suggest that he is gay. It is quite pathetic really, however I'm quite happy just talking to him in maths, I was very pleased on Friday. He spoke to me without any prompting.

I doubt I will ever be more than just friends with A, but we all have our dreams, don't we?

Well, that's it for this month, sorry it hasn't been very good. I've had very little time. If you want to complain, shout at me, trash, slate or generally say nasty things about my column do feel free to do so. Or if you want to say something nice you are very welcome, and in return you should, if I am officially connected to the net, get a lovely, badly spelt, but generally nice e-mail from me. Now boys and girls go and get a pen and paper ready. Got one, good. Now here's the address "fender_bender@mailexcite.com". All are most welcome my lovelies.

Well, once again it is time for the final goodbye.

Love to you all

Fender Bender

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