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Erwin Jaeger

April 1998

So what else is there?

What else is there regarding the future. That's the topic of this month's column. In my life, there are two options. The option I did not choose concerned a snuffing of my life in a manner reminiscent of a cheesy after school special where wheezy McNoLife cops out, gives up his\her try cause "the world is so bleak". The option I did take had me looking towards the future, biting the bullet of responsibility and taking the necessary steps to become "a suit." A slave to middle management, a lackey of the revolution, a pawn of Dilbert's boss! In other words; to step over the tracks to the right side of town and attempt to progress with the rest of the world. I, Erwin Jaeger, want to become a respectable member of my community.

I want to trade my leather jacket and steel toed boots for a five hundred dollar suit and loafers! OK, so I'm really doing it for the money. I've been out of school for nearly a year now. Since I graduated I've been working between 30-40 hours a week for slave wages. I had a friend estimate that I'm between two to three thousand dollars below the poverty level per month. If I didn't do something soon I'd be in that position until God knows when and that scared me shitless. It scared me shitless that I might end up living the rest of my life as one of the thousands of noble souls working honest professions for shit minimum wages and garbage hours, just because they forgot how to try or gave up hope for something better in life or worse became so used to living and working under shit conditions they no longer noticed it or attempted to change it.

I think that's what's one of the reasons I didn't write for Oasis in February and March. I was afraid of the changes I'd have to make in order to escape the life I've built for myself. I was afraid that if I attempted to trade in the dishrags for the dress suits, I'd lose that smart-assed edge of contempt and malice that seems to permeate the stuff I write. But I now know I'll always write this way, it's simply part of who I am. After all, the thought of an better education ruining a writers style is absurd. So without further adieu, a monologue.

"Why I Want to Be a Suit"

By Erwin Jaeger.

I work nine shifts a week and make 800$ a month after taxes. I know of folks that work five shifts a week and make my month's wage in three days. While I have my break, I look out across the street and see the suit work. Here is why I want to be him.

I want to be the man in the office on the second floor, with the bored expression on his face. I want to work in that office and make forty thousand a year and go out with the guys for lunch and not have to worry if I can pay for my food or MY RENT! I want to eat my food and chat with fellow suits. I don't want to be the busboy or the waiter or dishwasher, I want to be him, with his office work hands, and his office complexion, his dentist polished teeth and his tennis elbow. I want to be him as he grumbles about his job, grins like a smug bastard as he slips into his Lexus after work. Finally, I want to be him as he stumbles through the door at 5 p.m. after a hard day's work, as his boyfriend comes up, kisses him deeply and asks how his day was at work.

Now for the rest of the news in my life: I quit smoking, was accepted into Computer Sciences at Algonquin College, I've yet to track down Mr. and or Mrs. Right...Give me time. I've recently renewed my love for Ska music and since I've been accepted into school (which will last for the full three years of the program if I play my cards right) I will soon get those ten new ear piercings and other body mutilations\modifications I've wanted for so long

In conclusion, becoming a fully fledged adult with average wages and office attire is what I hope to achieve in the future. With this future in the near future I still have time to live large, act foolish, dress swank, talk fast, walk faster and attack without thinking while typing with my mouth full. See you all next month (or at the piercing parlor)

Erwin Jaeger


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