April 1998

One Cappuccino Please

I don't know why but I feel like Queen Victoria of England as she keep writing and writing. Is it that because she was very lonely? Or is it that she don't trust anyone, even Prince Albert? Did meddling with other people's lives help her or make her life seem secure? I don't know how I feel right now but as I told Colin Singh (a mate of a close mate, will be a close mate one day!) that I felt a bit down at the moment but what can I do? I think I'm already stressed out with everyone being here ... but I'm quite pleased Celia Hulme (Katie's close mate) is here as she can't fail to make me smile somehow ... why do I have to be the responsible one in this flat? I know Katie's (my flatmate) responsible but the way she neglects her emotional responsibilities (sometimes) make me worry if she even do anything emotional in the right way or what?

Perhaps Helga McGlip (a buddy) was right after all; Katie denied herself by drinking and drinking ... Speaking of Emma Coleman (Katie's best friend) -- I like that girl -- she's very determined -- but I think for now I will see her as a friend of a friend rather than a friend -- it's just that I don't want to expand numbers of my friends? Or is it that I'm very frustrated with myself or everyone or is it just Katie? It seems that I can't find a perfect flatmate -- the friction between me and Thommy (another flatmate!!!) have long gone somehow as I, at last, left his business alone. I think Helga got me to think my "The City of Misfortune" period over ...it seems that I was busy trying to solve other people's problems, not mine. Or is it that I'm scared of encountering my real self? I know I would sound like Shane MacCloskey (The main character in my "My Other Self") but can my personality be reflected in my characters? Sometimes I feel like Old Josephine. (Shane's grandmother) Sometimes I feel like the over-imaginative but very reliable Deirdre? (Shane's mother) Sometimes I feel like the energetic Colgu? (Shane's grandson) Sometimes I feel like the "do-everything-at-once" Shane? Or am I Edirsceal, (Colgu's sister) the major character at the end of the story that rescued the Isle from the doom?

People say writing is like having the best counselor in the world. Or is it that I don't like the counseling at all? Or will I even pour my weirdness out to some strangers? I hate it when people think that they understand me whereas they do not?

Last night Katie got everyone down at the local -- I had to buy everyone a round -- okay then -- somehow Ekky got Thommy into the toilet and did a blowjob on him -- everyone thought I was jealous of Thommy -- I was baffled as Thommy said he don't really want to go for Ekky but Katie said "Listen, mate, Thommy told me he like Ekky a lot!"

"Thommy told me ...Thommy told me ...Thommy told me ...Thommy told me ..."

Sometimes I doubt myself whether I listen properly or not? Or is it that I listen to the inner voices? I don't know -- people are surprised when I recall things they didn't expect me to remember.

Or people like to think that they know everything? I know I hold a very bad attitude that let others know that I know better than them.

But to be wiser, I have to be careful and quiet. When I was younger, I didn't talk much. Is it that because I didn't sign that much at that time?

Or was I a hearing person born into a wrong situation? Deaf Culture is a good thing but am I happy in enveloping in it? Or will I have to endure more indifference?

Katie asked if I could not accompany her lots to the dinner -- in some way it was a relief but in the other way, it was an insult.

I asked about Thommy -- she said someone have to look after Danny. (Danny was another visitor to Katie's little party)

Danny? He's popular among Katie's friends.

Then she made more excuses saying that she see me 24 hours every day -- that even tire her out. I said "What about Thommy?" Later on, she asked if I was hurt. I said I was basically pissed off. She said Thommy fade into the background whereas I take the central stage. Mmhh. Do it mean I interfere with Katie's decisions?

I leave quiet people alone because I believe they can cope on their own. Loud ones can't.

For instance Thommy and Ekky.

I told Thommy that I will not listen to anything about the sexual implements over Ekky.

Yet I got everything out of Thommy later on. And then much later on, he said talking about trying Ekky -- I said I don't want to know.

It was the first time for a long time I said that to a close mate.

It wasn't easy but I have to erect my perimeter and start building the cobbled walls around me.

But it will hurt for a bit. But I have to be vulnerable (is it a right word?) -- I lost my self by thinking for others.

For instance Andrew Kanon. Perhaps Simon Dixon. Katie Jones, Thommy McMahon, Jossi McNamara, Clark Kielty.

Let's look at John -- he's superb but very lonely in one or other way. I almost felt sorry for him.

I have to fight the self-pity off. Is it yet wise or not?

Right now I'm watching another TV documentary on the Titanic. They kept calling the Titanic "The Unsinkable One".

It's amazing that sarcasm can reach that far.

Or is it a bad move?

I thought I can't go on with my life. But then again I realized that I'm unsinkable whereas others (most, well) are. They bury themselves in the sand where I don't.

Or am I pompous?

The most important thing is that I am not a god. Nor that I have any desire to be one.

But I can't just be "faded into the background". Can I?

I remember at Tommy's (my brother) wedding, Mam was pretty pissed off with me as I was the central stage there -- I know I was guilty about that but what if I keep quiet about it?

People would start whispering about me if I do that.

I don't know the answer really. People think they have it for me. But it's often a "set answer embedded in stone".

Yes, that did help a lot somehow -- initially!

That got me smiling. Strange enough as Gavin (my younger brother) was right -- laughing at your own problem is always the best solution available. Laughter is the real medicine. Yup, yup! Huh -- the bath await my immediate attention. When will they invent waterproof magazines? I better try taking some risks.

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