Paul Sepuya

April 1998

April. It's April as you read this, but still the middle of March for me. Deadlines, you know.

It's that song by Natalie Imbruglia on the radio lately, "...and... I see the perfect sky's torn." Those words are stuck in my mind, something profound that I can't explain. Lately as I believe that those words fit my life at this time.

Things go in circles
You chase, he runs away
All the while he's handing you this string
A string to hold onto him
Then he turns and urges you on
(That's my perfect sky)

But sometimes he goes to fast
Or suddenly runs toward you
Or stops dead in his tracks, afraid
And then he may talk you to
(Now I find it's torn)

I stop to think about it, and now I have realized that all these 8 months, I have been to focused on what I may face. Not really thinking about what he may be going through, he may be afraid too. I don't know his situation. Things are spectacular on my side of the railroad tracks. Who knows what railings lay twisted on his side.

Yet he's the one who's taken all the steps trying to reach my side, risking the bruises and scrapes that the difficult journey possesses. I cried thinking of this. How could I have been so unaware? Unconcerned? I have always thought I was trying to be the most welcoming, helpful, and thoughtful person I could be -- but seem to forget it all when it comes to him. And I love him, even.

*** I think a lot ***

When I was in the closet, I hated the fact that people would suspect me being gay. Now I find myself hating when people say I don't look gay, or act gay enough. Especially when they say I'm only acting gay so I can get the girls. (So I said I dig her pants? I didn't say "hey, nice ass") Have they not forgotten that I've got the biggest obsessions over a certain Versace model, Dave Navarro, and above all, my beloved Eric Gonzalez?

*** My train of thought changes often ***

Straight people take for granted so much they have, everything they've got easy. I cannot explain to them how difficult it is to have to rediscover your identity in a world that can be so hostile toward such a thing. Yet they respect me more than most others, for having the strength to overcome so much and not be afraid to be myself anywhere, anytime. Some say they don't like gay people, but then, why do they suddenly talk to me more, want to be my friend, just because I'm gay?

I'm afraid all my wanderings may have given the impression to some unsure and still closeted lbg brothers and sisters that all is not peachy-king in No-More-Closets Land. Well that's just not so. By being out, you serve as an educator, an example, and a wake up call for everyone else. All without even having to do anything more than saying, "yes, I am gay" and being yourself. Show them you're no pansy (unless you want to be). Tell them about that special boy or girlfriend of yours. They'll be amazed (I don't know why) at the fact that your relationships are just like theirs. Give hope to all other lbg people still in the closet, by showing that you made it or are holding on. It's wonderfully lightening for the mind, body, and soul.

*** making it real ***

it exists
between all of us
and holds me and you together
so make it real
stretch out your hand
and cross that bridge
that already exists
between all of us
and holds me and you together
and will bring us home

Adieu, adieu, and till next time!

Paul Sepuya

you can email me at pianki@mail.msn.com

and my homepage is http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/Heights/2446/

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